Let's Hurt Tonight
by darveyisforever
Summary: When Catherine's father Admiral James Rollins is severely injured in a car crash and Catherine's mother Ann Rollins can't seem to get in touch with her daughter, she reaches out to a man from Catherine's past. Will she return to O'ahu? How has her life changed? What about her and Steve and what about the little secret she has been keeping from him? Set in season 10.
1. Chapter 1

_AN: Aloha! This idea wouldn't leave me alone, so I decided to finally start writing it down. The story is set somewhere in season 10 and therefore contains one major spoiler! Since I haven't watched season 10 myself (I accidently spoiled myself), it isn't based on a specific episode. That also means that I might not take storylines of season 10 into account. Some of the characters are my own creation, but the others belong to the CBS network. ___I decided to rate this story T, because it might involve some adult themes (those chapters will be marked with a disclaimer). _I hope you enjoy this piece. Feedback is always greatly appreciated._

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**Five-0 Headquarters, ****1230 hours**

"Steve." a woman's voice echoed through the bullpen and got even Danny to shut up. Steve, Danny and Tani who had been engrossed into a conversation turned their heads towards the petite brunette, who was standing just a few feet away from the smart table. She was in her early 60s with short greyish-brown hair. Her dark brown eyes seemed to watch you curiously over her horn-rimmed spectacles, which were also dark brown. Her clothes were classy and she had the air of being a rather intellectual human being. On any other day, the woman might have looked younger than she really was, but today she looked older.

Her normally quite military-like statue was now nowhere to be found. Her shoulders were sagging - she seemed like she desperately needed to lay down - and the little orange stain on her white jacket betrayed the other than that flawless clothes of hers. The radiant smile that was usually plastered on her face was gone and so was that characteristical spark she wore - that was the first thing he noticed.

"Ann?" Steve uttered taken aback. Of all the people he has been getting to see everyday,_ she_ was literally the last person he had expected to see today or any other day for that matter. It wasn't even that he didn't wanna see her, but they had just lost touch over the years.

"What, you don't wanna give your old friend a hug?" she retorted and made a face. She knew the term 'old friend' wasn't quite fitting, but she didn't know what else to say. Almost son-in-law definitely wouldn't have been the best way to address him either.

Ann acted like being here was the most natural thing on earth, but deep down she was feeling quite uneasy. He seemed to have shook off the first surprise, because a huge smile broke on his face when he pulled her in for a hug. "How long has it been?" he asked and she couldn't help the soft smile that grew on her face, as she briefly wrapped her arms around the man she hadn't seen in ages, but somehow still and probably always would, considered family.

"Too long." she agreed, as she - inconspicously of course - checked him out. A few grey stubbles and wrinkles on his face showed that (even) he had aged. He still looked handsome though. He seemed to be okay, fine even, but when she briefly locked her eyes with his, she noticed something she had hoped she wouldn't find. A sadness laid behind his brown eyes, a sadness that told her that he was missing something in his life. And she was pretty sure that she knew what it was. She had always assessed him as someone who wanted to settle down someday, get married and have a few cute little kids, especially considering how he had developed over the years. And for all she knew, he wasn't married nor had a family of his own.

_(AN: I am not trying to say that without having a spouse or kids you necessarily feel an emptiness in your life. Because you can be perfectly happy without all that! That is something everybody has to decide for themselves! I am just trying to say that I consider Steve as someone, who indeed wants those things.)_

"Steve, babe," Danny piped up, "Why don't you introduce us to your..old friend..here?" He hovered his arms through the air in an attempt to emphasize the word 'friend'. He wasn't sure how to interpret the situation that was unfolding in front of him.

"Sure, um, Ann, this is Officer Tani Rey," he began introducing his friends/colleagues. The younger woman gave her a smile, not sure what to make of the situation just yet, "And this is Detective Williams." he added. Her lips unwillingly curved up, as she recalled a few dozen stories she had heard about the man. While she had only heard the woman's name maybe once before, Detective Williams or Danny, as her daughter had referred to him, was someone she wouldn't forget that easily.

"Wh-what is going on? What is it with that grin?" the addressed man asked and turned to Steve, his eyebrows raised. Steve held up his arms to demonstrate his innocence, but couldn't help the amused smile that was playing upon his lips.

"I might have heard one or two things about you." the woman admitted and Danny's eyebrows knitted slightly in confusion, "I am Ann Rollins." she added, as if it was the explanation for everything. And indeed, in this case it was and the question marks above both Danny's and Tani's head disappeared.

"Well, now that you mention it, you can definitely see a resemblence." Danny stated, his eyes fixed on the woman for a few seconds, before turning to Steve. The corners of his mouth twitched slightly, before his lips curved up - big time.

"I will take that as a compliment." the woman replied, before turning to face Steve too, "Can we talk somewhere in private?" she asked with a hushed voice. She suddenly remembered why she had come here in the first place. Steve just nodded and motioned her to follow him into his office.

Danny watched them slip into Steve's office, but didn't make any effort to return to his conversation with Tani that had been interrupted by the surprising visit of Catherine's mom. He didn't know what this was about, but to say his interest was peaked would have been the understatement of the year. "You know that you can't hear them here, right? Staring at his office won't change that." Tani spoke up and broke his train of thought.

"Nah." he replied and made a dismissive gesture with his hand, before folding his arms in front of his chest, "Aren't you curious? I mean this is Catherine's mom that is sitting in his office right now. Whatever this is about, it's gonna be interesting."

"Catherine's mom?" Lou asked and interrupted Danny's babbling that might have continued for a while. Grover couldn't believe his ears and he momentarily wondered how long its' been since he had last heard that name. Lou was positive that they were still catching up every other month, but it's been over a year since he last saw her.

Caught up in his thoughts, he hadn't even noticed Lou approaching, but decided to finally wrench his eyes away from Steve's office and face Grover instead. "Catherine's mom." he confirmed and when a big grin formed on Lou's face, he added: "Look at that, Tani, he gets it." Lou's grin grew even wider, Danny's smile and enthusiasm were refreshingly contagious.

"It's kind off..weird..that I have to remind you, but I haven't been a part of this team forever. I barely know Catherine. I've met her once." Tani explained and let her eyes dart to the office, before redirecting her focus on the two man standing opposite to her.

The last time Catherine was on O'ahu and enlisted Five-O's help, Lou filled her in on the history between her boss and the dark-haired woman. And even though she had barely exchanged one sentence with the woman, she liked her and she definitely knew why Steve had liked her, too. She could have sworn there was still spark between the two - a spark she had never seen between him and Lynn. The funny thing was that she knew more about Catherine and their history than she knew about the bosses' that-time girlfriend and judging from Danny's and Lou's behaviour right now, she was pretty sure that the relationship with Catherine had been a lot more serious. In that moment, she found herself wishing she could have been there for that.

Inside of his office, Steve was just taking a seat on the couch next to Ann. Her hands were folded in her lap, as her eyes darted to the ground, before she scanned her surroundings. She had never been here before, but Catherine had shown her some photos and it was definitely impressing.

"So, what's going on?" he asked, knowing she would appreciate him being direct. For a second he let his thoughts wander and assume the worst; that Catherine was no longer alive. He shook his head in an attempt to shake off the images that floated his mind. Mentioned images were a mixture of his memories and his nightmares and he wasn't keen to ever relive either.

The woman's face faltered and he once again made notice that the for her characteristical spark and ease was gone. "Three days ago, James got into a car accident." she started and adjusted the spectacles on her nose, before continuing, "He is stable and the doctors are optimistic. I have been trying to reach Catherine, but I can't seem to get a hold of her. A few friends of James tried to get some Intel, but they couldn't get through to her..nor her handler." She made a short break, giving Steve some time to comprehend it all. "I know you have been in contact a few times over the last years." she added and her eyes told him that she knew more than just that, which made him shift uncomfortably in his seat, "I was just wondering if you could try and get a hold of her some way..I think she should know. And it would really help James' healing process."

Her eyes were filled with hope and sorrow. Even though her husband was now stable, for a few hours there, it didn't look that way. And she couldn't seem to get in contact with her daughter. She was used to not talking to her for weeks or months at a time, Catherine's job just didn't allow otherwise, but she knew having Catherine here wouldn't only help James' healing process and calm her own nerves, no, she was sure Catherine would wanna know about something like this. And she was also convinced that spending some time with her family and maybe even some old friends, would be good for her daughter. But the nagging feeling that something might have happened to her daughter just wouldn't leave her alone.

"Do you know anything?" she asked and locked her eyes with his. Steve shook his head, as he remembered the last time he had talked to Catherine. It was a few weeks after Doris had died. She had texted him out of the blue, apologized for not contacting him earlier and asked how he was doing. It's been almost three months ever since.

"I wish I could help you, Ann, but unfortunately I don't think.." Steve trailed off, heavy-hearted, "Have you tried her cell?"

Ann just nodded and let her shoulders sagg. He felt the sudden urge to hug her and make her believe that it was all going to be okay, that Catherine was okay. "Hey, you know how serious the job is. If she is on a mission right now, you barely ever reach her on her cell. And that is a good thing, for her own safety. But I can call in some favors..and we just have to keep trying. I am sure we will get some Intel soon." he assured her and he really wanted to believe his own words, "We will bring her home."

"Thank you, Steve." she said and a soft smile was now lighting up her face, "I really appreciate it." she added, and he just nodded like it was the only natural thing to do. He hoped that he would be at least somewhat helpful and even more so he hoped that Catherine was okay. He also hoped that the fact that James friends, probably high-ranking Navy men or women themselves, couldn't get through to her nor her handler, wasn't a bad sign.

She stood up and made her way to the door. "How have you been holding up?" she asked a bit hesitantly, as she turned around on her heels, the doorknob already in her hand, "I heard about your mom..I am really sorry."

"Thanks." he replied and for a second it seemed like his eyes darkened, which she could have easily imagined, but either way, she felt incredibly sorry for the man, who had experienced so much loss in his life already, "But I am holding up okay, you know. Life goes on."

"It does, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed to grieve." she muttered and he nodded slightly, "If you ever need someone to talk or just share a breakfast with, you have my number." As strong as the man standing in front of her was, she knew he was pretty good at swallowing his emotions until they ate him up from the inside - most Navy men and women were pretty good at that. She had experienced it first hand herself. She also knew that sometimes you just need somebody to listen and she was glad to be able to offer her support, probably because a part of her still considered him family.

"Thank you, Ann." he uttered sincerely, "Please send James my best wishes."

"Will do." she promised, "You are always welcome to come by, you know." She winked, which he found somewhat confusing. He had always gotten along well with James and the rest of the Rollins clan, for quite some time they were the closest thing he had to having a family. However, he hadn't spoken with anyone besides Catherine in years - not since they broke up.

She slipped out of his office, seemingly in much higher spirits, and left the bullpen, but not before addressing Danny's quite obvious attempts to eavesdrop on her and Steve's conversation - even though that was quite literally impossible. Steve fell back into his chair, taking a moment to fully comprehend what had just happened here. He rubbed his eyes and let a sigh escape his mouth, as he heard his office door open.

"Sooo.." Danny walked in, Tani and Lou hot on his heels. He sat down on the lean of the visitor chair opposite to Steve and looked at him expectantly. The other two halted close behind Danny and had pretty much the same expression on their faces, though a little bit less eagerly. If his mind wasn't so clouded and his heart wasn't so heavy, he might have laughed at the sight in front of him.

"Sooo?" Steve replied. Even though he wasn't in the mood to joke around, he wasn't about to make it easier for Danny.

"Sooo," Danny started again and cleared his throat, before continuing, "We all definitely know where Catherine's got her will and um..determination from now. But, um, what is she doing here? And before you say that she was here to catch up, believe me, you don't catch up with your almost-son-in-law for no reason at all, after you haven't seen him in years."

"Your detective skills are unbelievable." Steve replied ironically.

"So?" Danny asked again, completely ignoring Steve's statement and the annoyed undertone resonating in his friends' voice. When Steve realized that his friends probably wouldn't leave him alone until he told them what was going on, he sighed and ran his hand through his hair - a sign of the chaos that was taking control over him.

"James, Cath's father got into an accident. He is okay, but she can't seem to get in contact with Catherine." Steve started explaining and watched his friends' facial expressions change with every word, "She wanted to ask if I have a way of reaching her."

"And?" Danny asked, his vocabulary seemed to be limited to short sentences today, "Do you?"

Before Steve could even open his mouth to answer, his phone began ringing. "Saved by the bell." Lou mumbled, as Steve picked up the phone, "Hello?..Yeah, okay. We will be there in 20. Thanks, Duke."

"We have caught a case." Steve explained, even though it was kind of unnecessary, "Duke will send you the address and you guys will head to the crime scene. And please let Junior know. I gotta make some calls." he said it with a determinedness that left very little room to object.

Danny eyed him curiously, but kept his mouth shut, as he slipped out of the office. However, they all knew that this topic was far from being labeled as 'dealt with'. Steve let himself fall back into his chair and closed his eyes for a few seconds, before fishing his phone back out of his pocket. He wasn't sure what the right thing to do now was, but he decided to try her cell first before he would reach out to his contacts in the agency. When he raised the phone to his ear and the monotonous beaping sound set in, his heart began thumbing in a much faster manner.

"Hello? Who is this?" a voice that definitely belonged to a man and definitely didn't belong to Catherine, picked up the phone. It was throaty and unfamiliar and it unwillingly send a shiver down his spine.


	2. Chapter 2

_AN: I am so sorry for taking so long to update this story. I was ill and school kept me pretty busy. But I have got 5 weeks off now due to the corona virus (well actually 3 weeks due to corona + 2 weeks of easter holidays), so I will hopefully have more time to write. I still gotta study for school though. __I hope you still enjoy reading this story and feedback is, as always, greatly appreciated._

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**Five-O Headquarters, 1300 hours  
**

_"Hello? Who is this?" a voice that definitely belonged to a man and definitely didn't belong to Catherine, picked up the phone. It was throaty and unfamiliar and it send a shiver down his spine._

"This is, um, Steve McGarrett. Who am I talking to?" he replied, trying to shake off the goosebumps that were covering his whole body by now. Even though he couldn't tell what was going on just yet, he had the feeling that he wasn't going to like it.

"I am Jason. I am just answering Catherine's phone, because it kept buzzing and she is-" the man started explaining and Steve could feel his body relax automatically, when Jason was interrupted by an all too familiar voice, "Who are you talking to?" she asked. Catherine had just emerged from the bathroom, her wet body was wrapped into one of the white hotel towels.

"There is a Steve McCammet on the phone for you." Jason replied indifferently. He was sitting on the bed, only wearing a bathrobe himself, with the TV remote and a highly overcharged bag of sweets resting by his side.

"Steve McCammet? You mean McGarrett?" Catherine spoke up, before Steve could have even had the chance to correct the other man. Steve didn't know who exactly this man on the other side of the phone was, but there was something about that guy, maybe it was his 'I don't care'-attitude, that didn't exactly made Steve like him.

"Might as well be McGarrett." Jason said and shrugged his shoulders. He had not once heard that name leave Catherine's mouth and he knew her for almost a half a year now, so he was fairly certain that it wasn't that important. Of course he couldn't know yet just how naive he was.

Steve could hear the man handing the phone over to her and just a few seconds later he could hear Catherine's soft breathing at the other end of the line instead of the man's. "Steve?" she asked, a hint of uneasiness was resonating in her voice. This really wasn't the way she had imagined her next conversation with Steve going down. They hadn't talked or chatted in months and it was quite unusual for him to call - they normally didn't do that. She wanted to talk to him, she really did, but this was probably one of the worst moments he could have picked. With having just returned from a mission, she wasn't even wearing fresh clothes yet. And of course it was Jason of all people, who just had to answer that one particular call.

"Cath." he breathed, this was the first time he was hearing her voice since they parted ways in Laos, "Are you okay?" He closed his eyes, the confusion and inner stir he had felt up until now, slowly ebbed away. She was talking to him, she wasn't laying dead in a ditch somewhere in the middle of nowhere. She wasn't being held capture by some high-ranking terror cell, no, she was talking to him. She was okay.

"I am." she answered honestly, even though she suddenly felt like she was suffering from a fever. A mixture of guilt and nervosity overcame her and she tried to push those thoughts into the back of her head, where they had been stored for the past months, by briefly closing her eyes, "What's going on, Steve? Why are you calling?" she added finally. She saw Jason's curious eyes follow her into the bathroom and she knew she was gonna have to answer some questions later.

"Well, um," he trailed off, "Uh, your dad, he got into a car accident. But don't worry, he is stable-"

He could hear a door close in the background, "Wait, what? My dad? What happened?" she interrupted him, confusion clearly resonating in her voice. She didn't really know what she had expected him to say, but it surely wasn't this.

"Your mom didn't elaborate on that. But she told me that he is stable and that the doctors are optimistic." he answered and really wished he could be able to tell her what had happened, even though it wouldn't change the outcome. She drew a harsh breath, but didn't say anything, "He is going to be okay, Cath." he added.

She leaned her back against the closed door and took another deep breath. She really appreciated his, in some way encouraging, words. They both knew that she would only be able to fully believe them if she saw it with her own pair of eyes, but for now she trusted Steve's judgement; knowing that he wouldn't sugercoat something like this. "Okay um.." she trailed off, trying to comprehend all the information she just got, "Um..so how do you know all of this?"

"Your mom paid me a visit...here at work." he explained and the corners of his mouth twitched slightly, "She has been trying to get in touch with you, because she wanted you to know, but apparently she had no luck and she was really worried..so she paid me a visit and asked whether I knew something or had a way of contacting you."

"I just got back from..you know." she stopped abruptly, realizing that the location of her mission was highly classified, "I..so my mom paid you a visit, huh?" she added and a soft chuckle escaped her mouth, as she imagined the reunion. The first few times, Steve had encountered her mother, she had felt quite ashamed by the way her mother had behaved. It was typical mom "stuff" really, asking _all kinds_ of questions and not even being ashamed of asking them. Her mom had always been really curious, especially when it came to Steve. However, imagening her mom showing up in the Five-0 Headquarters in order to talk to Steve was somehow really amusing. Even though the reason behind it wasn't funny at all, she couldn't help the grin on her face.

"That she did." he answered and his lips curled up.

"Thank you, Steve..you know for calling. And for calming my mother's nerves." she said after a while of reminiscing. She knew her mother was easily worried and she didn't blame her. She probably would be too, if she had a husband working in the military or a daughter working undercover for the CIA.

"Of course. It was the least I could do really." he replied softly and when he didn't get an answer, he added: "Catherine? Hello? Are you still there?"

"Yeah..yeah, uh, sorry." she apologized. She ran her hand over her face, shut her eyes and pressed her fingers against her closed eye leads in an attempt to once again squeeze out the images that kept tormenting her. The sadness and the guilt were hardly bearable right now.

"Call me if you land, okay?" he said, it sounded almost like a question to her. He was pretty sure that she would take the next flight to O'ahu she could get, but he wasn't sure for how long she would be staying or whether she would contact him to catch up.

"I will." she promised, "Mahalo..and aloha." With that she hung up the phone and leaned her head against the closed door. A soft sign escaped her mouth, followed by a few deep breaths. She needed to regain her composure before calling her mother..and flying to Hawai'i.

.

**Kings Medical Center, 1300 hours**

About 24 hours later, it was 1300 hours local time, she was walking down the hallways of the Kings Medical Center. Even though she had been here quite a few times, there were a few things that had changed so drastically that she was no longer able to say that it looked familiar. The walls looked freshly painted, the warm rose tone had been exchanged by a seemingly highly polished white tone, which glistened almost blindingly so and just added to the sterile and uncomfortbale atmosphere hospitals conveyed. It was just another reminder of how much the life she had left behind had changed in her absence.

She stepped into the elevator and sighed, when she realized that she was alone. Jason had wanted to accompany her, but she had convinced him that this wasn't the right time or way for him to meet her parents for the first time. Though that wasn't a lie, she knew it wasn't the entire truth either. She just wasn't ready to let him into the life she had left behind and everything and everyone connected to it. If she was completely honest with herself, she wasn't ready to move forward in their relationship at all, because she liked things the way they were. They met up whenever their schedules allowed it and he had a surprisingly calming effect on her. He made her laugh.

After the phone call Jason had asked her who Steve McGarrett was and without thinking it all the way through she had answered that Steve was "just an old friend". She knew it wasn't right to lie to him, but it wouldn't have made much of a difference anyway. She briefly closed her eyes and remembered the disappointment that had been so clearly visible in his eyes, when she had basically told him that she didn't want him to meet her parents. At least not yet.

The elevator doors opened with a soft pling and she was brought back to reality. A small green and blue sign told her that she would have to take a turn to the right in order to get to room 448, which was the last one on this floor, as she came to realize relatively quickly. She absentmindedly walked down the nearly empty hallway. When she finally arrived in front of the last room of the floor, she carefully knocked on the door, before she slipped inside. Her mother was sitting in a rather comfortable arm chair next to her dad's bed, she was holding his hand. She seemed a bit tired, but she still looked at her husband with the same love in her eyes she had when Catherine was still a kid; their love had always left Catherine with astonishment. Her dad was seemingly asleep, but the monitor at his bedside confirmed the regular beating of his heart - he was alive. She released a breath she didn't know she had been holding.

"Catherine!" her mom exclaimed happily as she noticed that the petite brunette had entered the room.

"Mom." Catherine uttered, relief was clearly resonating in her voice. Her mom stood up to hug her and when the older woman wrapped her arms around her daughter, Catherine suddenly felt at home. Her mother's scent, her tight hug, the warmth with which she was greeted. Catherine buried her face in her mother's hair and closed her eyes. "I missed you." she finally whispered.

"I missed you too honey." Ann whispered in her daughter's ear and placed a light kiss on Catherine's dark hair. She knew returning to Hawai'i wasn't easy for Catherine, for several reasons, but she was glad her daughter was here and seemed to be of good health. Sure, the already slim woman had lost a few pounds, but other than that, she couldn't make out any injuries.

"How is dad?" she asked and finally let go off her mother. Catherine sat down on the edge of the bed and inspected her father more closely. He had a severe concussion, some bruises on his arms, a few broken ribs and a broken leg - as her mother had already told her over the phone. The problem that had occured in the first hours after the car crash was his heart. Her dad had suffered from an heart attack a few years back and even though he had recovered relatively quickly, his heart wasn't as strong as it had been before.

"He is doing okay. He is sleeping a lot, but the doctors say that that is normal." Ann answered, before the corners of her mouth twitched, "He desperately wanted to return home today. He said if he got home today, he would be able to get back to work in two days."

Catherine chuckled, because that kind of behaviour really sounded like her dad. He truly was a workaholic, kind off like she was too. She signed deeply, relief washing through her body. Her dad was okay and he would be back on his feet in no time, of that she was sure.

"So how was your flight? Are you okay dear?" her mother asked, as she returned to her place next to James' bed, but instead of taking James' hand into her own, she took Catherine's.

"The flight was long, but I am okay." she answered, but she was hesitant to look her mother into the eyes.

"I am glad..that one of us finally reached through to you." her mother started and watched her daughter's reaction very closely, "We were really worried." Ann included Steve in her statement as if it was the most natural thing on earth. Catherine knew that her mother had always liked Steve - back when they were still together she had asked Catherine at least once every few months why they didn't tie the knot just yet. However, she hadn't expected that her mother would still consider him family.

Catherine just nodded absently. "You haven't told Steve.." her mom started again, but stopped when Catherine finally looked at her. The look in her daughter's eyes told Ann that she hadn't told him nor was she up to talk about it with either her mother or Steve.

"I am sorry to bring it up, hon, but don't you think he should know?" she asked and as much as it pained her, Ann knew her daughter needed to hear these words, "I have been watching this..event..torment you so much more than anything else you have ever dealt with. You can't move on if you-"

"Mom." Catherine interrupted her. She could feel the tears burn in her eyes and swallowed hard, "Please, stop.." she trailed off and turned away, when the first tear was threatening to spill. Her mom just stood up and pulled her daughter into her embrace. Even though Catherine was glad to have someone who understood how hard this was for her, she felt so incredibly weak. She knew she would have to tell Steve at some point or another, but she also knew that it would cause him and her too, unnecessary pain.


	3. Chapter 3

_AN: Hey guys. First of all I would like to thank each and every one of you who takes the time to read & review this story. It really means a lot to me. Sending lots and lots of love to all of you, wherever you might be on this planet. In times like this we need to be particularly kind to one another. Stay safe and healthy! _

_Secondly, I can't believe the last episode of Hawaii-Five O ever is airing in less than a week.__ I really hope that Steve and Catherine get the happy ending they deserve, but honestly, I am not so sure about that. She hasn't been a part of this weeks' episode nor was she mentioned (at least as far as my knowledge goes), so the chances of that happening are decreasingly low. But when Steve said that he needed some time away to get some perspective..somehow that gave me hope. So, let's keep believing that P. Lenkov gave them (and us) the happy ending they (and we) so clearly deserve! _

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**Honolulu, 1900 hours**

The sun was a few minutes away from setting, when Catherine Rollins got into her car and placed the grocery bags on the passenger seat next to her. After she had teared up in front of her mom, she had stayed in the hospital for a few more hours. Spending time with her parents and finally talking to her dad again helped her relax, because he not only seemed to be on the road to recovery, but it also made her forget about everything else for a few hours. This "event" as her mother had called it, was a something she really didn't want to talk about, even though it was a constant companion of hers. She took a deep breath, before starting the motor - she loved the sound the blue corvette was making. Before she went grocery shopping, she had picked up her car from the storage unit, where it has been stored for years now. Of course she could have sold the blue corvette, but she just didn't have the heart to do that.

She would be staying at her parents' house - she was actually on the way to get there now - and in the next few days her younger brother Alexander would fly in too, to check in on their dad. Her older brother Noah still lived on the island, but since he had recently been promoted to be the head chef at a popular local restaurant, he didn't have as much time. He had already visited their dad a few times, before she had even known about the accident. But they were already making plans to hang out some time in the next few days. Catherine hadn't seen them in roughly a year and a half and she couldn't wait to finally catch up with them. Her younger brother had become a father just a few weeks ago and she still hated that she missed that. She knew her job took in a lot of her time, but she could hardly arrange herself with the fact that she missed out on people's lives, like her brothers'. In spite of this, she loved doing what she was doing. She loved being an undercover agent for the CIA. But it had probably never been the number one source of her happiness.

As she came to an halt at a red light she tried to assure herself that her estimated route was right. Her parents had only returned to Hawai'i a few years ago and they had already moved two times ever since, so she had actually never been at their newest residence. It was only when her eyes caught sight of a familiar street sign that she realized how close she was to the beach house. Her old home. With a quick glance on her wrist watch she noted that it was still relatively early, so Steve was probably still at work. But what if he wasn't? She had promised to call him, which she hadn't done yet, because she needed at least 24 hours to settle in and mentally prepare herself to see him again. The longer she stood here, the greater the urge to just throw all of her doubts overboard, drive there instead of her parents' house and just knock on his door.

And that's what she did. The light switched to green and she stepped on the gas, before she could delve deeper into her doubts and took a left turn instead of turning right. The beach house got bigger and bigger through her windshield and with it an uneasiness began to settle in her stomach. She hadn't been here ever since she broke up with him almost 4 years ago - it seemed like it had been an eternity ago and at the same time she remembered it as if it had been yesterday.

Her car came to an halt in his driveway. She ran her hands over her face _(AN: Don't do that at the moment with the coronavirus spreading - at least not before washing your hands. Stay safe and healthy, guys!)_ and took a deep breath. She checked herself in the small mirror, before taking another deep breath and stepping out of the blue corvette. With weak knees, she made her way to the door and carefully knocked on it. There was music coming from inside the house or rather from his backyard - a clear sign that he was here and probably not alone.

"Where have you been? We have been waiting...oh." Tani opened the door and obviously didn't expect to see Catherine standing on the other side of it, "Catherine..hi." she said and smiled somewhat shyly. Tani knew that Catherine was back on the island. After all it had been the number one topic in the bullpen of the Five-O Headquarters and her boss could hardly hide his joyousness about seeing the brunette again. But with it being her boyfriend's birthday, she had completely forgotten about all that.

"Hi." Catherine replied and suddenly felt incredibly stupid; she could have sworn her cheeks were as red as a tomato.

"Steve, you finally got the cake? I would have almost ate Kamekona's-" a voice, she identified as Danny's, came closer, but he stopped as abruptly as Tani had, when he saw Catherine standing in the door way, "Catherine." he stated, before a smile broke on his face and he pulled her into a hug.

She couldn't help the huge grin that grew on her face at the warm welcome. She knew Danny definitely hadn't been her biggest fan especially when she had left Steve again, after promising that she wouldn't. But ever since their joined mission in Laos, he had completely forgiven her. Though he still didn't understand why she had decided the way she had, he knew that she had never intentionally hurt Steve. And when Steve had needed her, she had been the first to be there for him - that was enough for him to forgive her.

"We heard about your dad, is he all right?" Danny asked and let her step inside. It felt pretty weird being back here after all those years and she had a hard time focussing on what Danny was saying.

"Yeah, he is fine, he is doing fine." Catherine replied and gave him a small smile, as she tried to check out the livingroom as inconspiciously as possible. Everything pretty much looked the same and just like her mom had given her a sense of home, this did too. After all, she had more or less lived here for about 2 years.

"That's good...uh, Steve is out..he is getting a cake for Junior, since it's his birthday." Danny explained and scratched the back of his head, realizing that she was probably looking for Steve and not either one of his colleagues, "He should be back any minute now."

Catherine nodded, unsure of what to say or do. She didn't want to leave, but she didn't exactly wanted to invite herself to stay either. "You wanna say hello to the others?" Tani piped up and Catherine gratefully accepted that offer with another nod. Tani linked arms with the other brunette and tagged her along onto the lanai. Everything looked pretty much the same here too, the two wooden chairs where still standing in the same exact spot they had when she had still lived here - she was positive they had been standing in the same exact spot ever since John had bought them. It was in that moment that she wondered if it had really been the best decision to come here. This place brought up so many memories and it reminded her over and over again of what she had given up all those years ago, when she had chosen to work for the CIA. It felt like a punch in the gut.

Junior, Lou, Quinn and a woman she didn't know yet, who later introduced herself as Noelani, were standing around the brazier and seemed to be engrossed into a lightful conversation, while Kamekona and Flippa were setting the table - of course there was shrimp too. She greeted Quinn, whom she briefly knew from her time in the Navy, Lou, Flippa and Kami - as she had always liked to call Kamekona - and met Noelani as the "new" medical examiner, and wished Junior a happy birthday. Even though she found that Chin, Kono, as well as Jerry had left an unfillable hole in the Five O task force, Steve had gathered some pretty amazing people in his team; they were truly ohana to each other. A sadness overcame her at that thought, because she had once been a part of that ohana too. And she had deliberately given it up.

"You need to catch up on some of my newest creations!" Kamekona exclaimed, when she went to get a beer after some small talk with the group.

"Oh, definitely." she agreed with the same enthusiasm, "Show me what you got to offer." Her stomach obviously seemed to approve of her plans to finally eat something, because it started grumbling; she was starving.

"Okay, so we got the shrimp pizza." he started and pointed with his head to one of the many dishes that were placed on the table, "And of course we got shrimp dogs and wraps, but that's not new." he paused again, as he turned to pick up one of the many plates, "I know just the right thing for ya, sista! Shrimp cake! With extra whipped cream of course!"

The whole cake basically consisted of layers and layers of pink whipped cream with a few shrimps on top, forming a heart. It looked really yummy, until you identified the ingredients on top of the cake as shrimps. "You know that this is the reason I had to get another cake, right?" Steve said, who was suddenly standing next to her and Kamekona. He had already seen her car in the driveway, but seeing her for real - she was standing just a few feet away - was something entirely different.

"Y'all just don't know what tastes good." Kamekona complained, before adding: "I still got hopes in you, sista. I will reserve a piece for you.", as he walked by Catherine to join the others at the brazier. Both Catherine and Steve couldn't help but chuckle at that statement, as she turned around to face Steve.

"Hey." was all she managed to get out, before she fell into his arms. She briefly closed her eyes, wishing she could hold onto him forever. She had imagined this moment so many times, she had replayed every possible scenario over and over again in her mind. But not one of those came close to what she was actually feeling right now. Like a wave, all kinds of emotions seemed to hit her at once. There was the guilt again, mixed with nervosity and uneasiness. But there was also a form of happiness and relief washing all over her body. He had always made her feel so special, so welcome...so loved. And this time was no exception.

"You okay?" he whispered into her ear. It felt extremely good to have her back in his arms in one piece. He couldn't tell how many nightmares of her dying have been tormenting his sleep in the past year nor could he tell what it was exactly that kept triggering those dreams. But after everything that had happened in the past year and a half, especially after losing Joe and his mother within a year, he was more afraid than ever before to lose yet another person he held dear. Sometimes it was Danny or another member of his ohana that appeared in those dreams, other times it was Catherine. Even though she wasn't in his life anymore, she was still one of the people he cared for the most on this earth. And that would probably never change.

She nodded, "And your dad?"

"He is okay too." she replied, when they finally let go off each other. He gave her a small smile, the relief was clearly visible in his face; mirroring her own expression. She knew Steve had always gotten along well with her father and she was touched, but not surprised that he still seemed to care so deeply for her entire family.

"How long have you been back?" he asked, knowing that it couldn't have been long.

From the corner of her eyes, she noticed that everybody was watching them with curious eyes. "I flew in this morning." she told him and tried to ignore the fact that they were being watched, "I spent almost the whole day in the hospital and after I picked up my car..I somehow ended up here."

"I am glad." he whispered as honest as ever and she felt like he was looking right through her.

"Guys, uh, I don't mean to interrupt, but we are kind off waiting for the cake here." Danny piped up and both Catherine and Steve chuckled, "Everybody is or you are?" Steve replied teasingly. Danny started babbling away, but Steve didn't hear half of it. With a last smile directed at Catherine and a look in his eyes that told her that they would continue this conversation later, he went back inside to get the cake.

* * *

**McGarrett home, 2300 hours**

Steve was sitting in one of the wooden chairs in his backyard, listening to the waves crashing at the shore. It was still pretty warm and the light breeze coming from the ocean was refreshing. The moon and the stars were plastered across the night sky, it truly was magical. Sitting here always helped him clear his mind and these days he came to appreciate that more and more.

Much to his dismay, he and Cath didn't really got the chance to catch up today - though it had been a great evening. But they had decided to meet up in the next few days to do just that and he couldn't deny nor hide the fact that he was over the moon to finally see her again. He was a bit unsure of how to behave around her, but today it had somehow come naturally - like it always had with her. He sighed deeply. Over the last year and a half, he had more or less successfully managed to not think about that particular night, but now that Catherine was back, suppressing it had gotten a thousand times harder.

"Hey, you okay?" Danny asked, as he sat down on the other wooden chair. The others were long gone, but Danny had offered - to everybody's surprise - to help clean everything up. Though he had to admit that this wasn't his ulterior motive and judging by the look in Steve's eyes he could tell that Steve knew that too.

"I am fine." Steve answered and accepted the beer Danny was offering him with a smile.

"Soo..Catherine is back, huh? At least for a few weeks, right?" he tried to subtlely steer the conversation in the wanted direction. Steve tried his best to cover up his shit-eating grin, but Danny noticed it. He had expected it actually, since it was a sheer fact that Steve only smiled like that when Catherine was around, "And you are clearly happy about that, so why don't you tell me what's going on with you?" Danny added, as he saw Steve's smile faltering.

"What do you mean?" Steve asked, pretending not to know what Danny had meant.

"Something is on your mind and I am pretty sure that it has got something to do with Catherine." Danny replied and mustered his friend. For a while, Steve didn't seem to fully register Danny's statement, as he was staring onto the dark ocean.

_FLASHBACK - December 31st 2018_

_"So, what do you wanna watch?" Steve asked, when she returned to the livingroom with two beers._

_"You are really letting me choose?" she asked, she looked almost stunned. She let herself fall back onto the couch and handed him one of the beers, which he accepted gratefully. In the past three weeks they have been looking for a way to avenge Joe's death and to find Greer. A few days ago, they had managed to find and capture Hassan's lawyer and even though he hadn't started talking yet, it was the closest they had gotten to finding Hassan and or Greer. They have been working on a bare minimum of sleep, but they were both more than willing to make that sacrifice. But today, or at least for a few hours, they would rest and regain some of their strength.  
_

_"As long as we are not gonna watch the Notebook again, then yes, I am letting you choose." he replied and a grin broke on his face - something she has seen him do often lately. Though it felt weird to celebrate something in a time like this, she knew how important it would be for the both of them. And seeing him smile like that just strengthend that presumption._

_"Oh come on, that movie isn't that bad. It's romantic." she argued. She had made him watch it about 6 years ago and she was kind of surprised that he still remembered it. ___For the fraction of a second her smile faltered and she asked herself how she could have ever let him go.__

_"Well, if you say so." he said with a chuckle, as he remembered the many times she had made him watch romantic movies. Obviously he couldn't name most of them, but somehow the Notebook had stuck with him. It wasn't even that he found that the movie was particularly bad, he just liked teasing her about it. _

_"What do you think about an epsiode of friends?" she suggested finally, because she was actually a big fan of that show. __She used to watch it every thursday with her brothers' - it was one of her favorite memories from her childhood. _

_"Sure." he agreed, because he actually liked that series too and they could ___definitely use something to cheer up a bit.__

_Just like one of these nights about 6 years ago, their shoulders were touching and with his arm on the armrest behind her, she was almost laying in his arms. She successfully convinced herself that it was totally okay and normal to seek closeness in a time like this. And it wasn't like this was the first time they were so close to one another. In her first night here, and in several following ones, Steve had woken up sweaty - his sleep has been plagued by terrible nightmares. Either she woke up too or was still awake, because despite being exhausted her mind just wouldn't shut up and let her sleep. However, they usually talked for a bit then, before they fell back to sleep - most of the time with their hands intertwined.  
_

_Three episodes in it was almost midnight, so they __counted the last few seconds down to the new year. They clinked their beers and hugged, wishing each other a "happy new year". It sounded somewhat ironic, considering their situation, but in that moment it felt like maybe everything could be okay again - at some point in the future. __When they entangled from one another, their eyes locked and one of their many conversations without speaking actual words took place.  
_

_Their eyes met and he understood the silent promise she was making. They would find Greer. Together. And she would stay as long as finding her would take. As long as he needed her. He nodded slightly, a gesture of acknowledgement and appreciation. __He saw that she wasn't left cold by Joe's death either, he saw the pain behind her eyes. And he was extremely grateful that she was here, with him. She smiled gently. He couldn't imagine having had and continuing to have any other person by his side but her._

_ He returned the soft smile, when his eyes suddenly fell on her lips. __Maybe it was in the heat of the moment, maybe it's been something he has been wanting to do for a long time now, maybe it was even a combination of both, but he suddenly found himself kissing her. His hands were cupping her face as he kissed her with a passion he hadn't felt in a long time. _

_Without hesistation, as if it was the most natural thing on earth, she kissed him back and opened her mouth to let him brush his tongue against hers, __"Steve..we shouldn't..be doing this." she mumbled, when she placed her hand on his torso and carefully put some space between the two of them. She wanted this, she wanted to kiss him, to touch him, to feel him. But she knew she couldn't. She was the one who had put her job over him and as much as she wanted him, she knew it wouldn't be fair to him, because as soon as they found Greer, she would return to being an agent with the CIA.  
_

_"I don't care." he breathed, as if he could read her mind. His finger tips began tracing the features of her face - just the way he had done it when they were still together. Her skin was soft and she looked so unbelievably beautiful in that moment. When she didn't object, he slowly leaned in again and placed a soft kiss on her lips and then on her neck and cleavage, "Do you want me to stop?" he mumbled, even though he knew it wasn't exactly fair. He still knew her well enough to be able to tell that she didn't want him to stop, quite the contrary actually.  
_

_Every fiber of her being craved to be touched by him. Being an undercover agent for the CIA didn't exactly help her sex life, but it was more than that. She wanted him. Him and not anybody else. "No." she whispered shakily and this time she was the one to initiate the kiss. It was slow and careful at first, as they were exploring each other's mouths and faces for the first time in a long time. Not much had changed really, they still fit as perfectly as the first day they met. He still tasted of peppermint, she still tasted of coffee and something else, which he had always found difficult to define.  
_

_He smiled into the kiss, when she pulled him closer by pulling his shirt. It was only a matter of seconds until Steve was laying on top off her and they were kissing each other passionately again. He couldn't help the moan from escaping his mouth, her hands seemed to touch him everywhere all at once. He felt completely consumed by the kiss - something he had only felt once before: with her. The friends episode, where Rachel had just found out that Ross was in love with her by accident, was long forgotten, as they hurriedly freed each other of their clothes. _

_PRESENT - __McGarrett residence, 2303 hours_

Steve ran his hands over his face and exhaled deeply. That faithful night he had known that it would only be a one night stand, because it had happened for all the wrong reasons. They had been in pain and their actions were lead by lust. The next morning they had promised each other to just forget about it, they had called it a mistake and even laughed about it. And that was that. Steve sighed, maybe it was time to finally let Danny in on his little secret, "I slept with her, Danny." Steve said and turned his head to the left to be able to look at Danny, "It happened in Montana. Once."

"That was about damn time." Danny stated and Steve knitted his brows in question, "What do you mean?" Steve asked.

"I mean everybody knew something happened in Montana. We just didn't know how long it would take for you to tell one of us about it." Danny started explaining, "So, congrats, one year and a half, you are officially the champion of suppressing your emotions." Numerous times, he had found himself on the verge of just asking Steve about it, but then again he had also wanted to give Steve the time he needed.

"That has nothing to do with suppressing my emotions." Steve argued, but he couldn't hide the hint of surprise that was resonating in his voice, "Wait a minute, you all knew about it?"

"Not so much knowing as guessing." Danny answered, trying to put all the pieces together, "So that's what this is about? You don't know where you two stand now?"

"Mh-hm." Steve mumbled and took a sip from his beer.

"Are you in love with her?" he proped Steve, because the last thing he wanted was for Steve to get hurt again. Catherine had always been a soft spot for his best friend and he knew from first hand experience how thin the line between friends and more actually was - he had been there many times with Rachel.

"What?" Steve replied, maybe a little too fast, "No. No, I am not." He could feel Danny's eyes muster him, as if he was trying to look for signs that Steve was lying to him, "Why would you even ask that?"

"I am just..listen, you and Catherine, there has always been something between the two of you. And there will probably always be something. And before you protest, Montana is just the precendential case." Danny started, watching Steve's reaction very closely, "Look, I am just looking out for you. I don't want you to get hurt again." As much as they both liked it when Catherine was here, Danny knew the closer the two of them got the harder the goodbye would be. And he was fairly certain that Catherine wasn't here to stay permanently.

"I appreciate that, Danno, but I am fine, kay?" Steve said and gave his best friend a warm smile, "I am just happy to see her healthy and okay after everything she did for me when Joe died. And I just don't want anything to come between our friendship..especially not..that." He really really wanted to believe his own words.


	4. Chapter 4

_AN: It's so crazy..Hawaii Five-0 is over now, forever. I still can't seem to wrap my head around that. But McRoll got the happy ending they deserved, so I am happy. But I am also sad at the same time, because their story had so much potential for development. They should have brought her back at the end of season 8 (or earlier) so that they would have had two more seasons. That way we might have even gotten the chance to see them get married and have kids. Ugh! __But..they got their happy ending and that is all that matters. _

_I hope y'all are staying fit and healthy. Sending lots and lots of love to each and everyone of you!_

_TRIGGER WARNING: If you are dealing with any kind of **loss** right now, this **might** be difficult to read for you. Please** skip** to the **end of the chapter** to find **more information** (because I don't wanna give it away for the people who are not affected by this)!_

* * *

**Two days later: Honolulu, 1800 hours**

After having visited their dad in the morning, the two Rollins' siblings had decided to head to the beach, since neither of them had been there in a long time. They surfed for hours - the waves were really in their favor today - and it allowed Catherine to forget about everything and everyone for a bit. Especially Steve, who was constantly with her in her thoughts, ever since she had seen him again two days ago. However, after having spend almost the entire day at the beach they were now on their way home and she honestly didn't remember the last time she had felt this calm.

"So, Cathy, I heard about this guy..Jason." Alexander, her younger brother, said with the most innocent grin he had in store, breaking her train of thought.

"Oh my god, are you kidding me? What, did mom tell you?" Catherine exclaimed, not even specifically surprised about his statement. She was used to this and couldn't help the amused chuckle, even though it still somewhat annoyed her.

"Yeah, but she didn't mean to...yeah okay, of course she did." he chuckled, their mother had never cared much for boundaries when it came to her kids dating other people. That behaviour had started when they were 15 and went out on their first dates and even now with her children being adults, Ann was still very curious and hadn't changed at all, "Anyway, you wanna spill the beans?"

"So you can run to mom later and tell her? That's a hard pass." she replied sarcastically, because he had always been somewhat of a mama's boy and she had always loved teasing him about it. "And there isn't much to tell anyway."

"Whatever you say, sis." he said, but instead of seeing her smile goofily, like she always had when he had probed her about McGarrett, she seemed to be far-away with her thoughts, "You okay? You know dad's gonna pull through, right?"

"I know. I am fine, Alex." She gave him a convincing smile, but she could see it in her yonger brother's eyes that he didn't quite believe her. To her fortune, it was in that moment that they arrived at their parents' house, so she was saved from further questioning.

They could hear indistinct chatter coming from the kitchen, when they entered the house, "Mom, we are home." Alex announced. Catherine let her bag fall onto the floor, removed the flip-flops from her feet and could barely stiffle a yawn. She was extremely tired from surfing all day, but she was sure the content feeling that had settled in her stomach at some point during the day would let her sleep peacefully tonight.

Unconsciously she noticed two pair of feet coming closer, "Look who I ran into today." Ann exclaimed enthusiastically, as she came to the door to greet her kids.

Catherine didn't even have to look up to know who it was, "Steve." Catherine stated, before turning to look at her mother. "Well that's quite the coincidence, isn't it?" she added ironically, because she knew it wasn't. Catherine had already been looking forward to a calm evening that would allow her to think some things through, but obviously her mother had different plans. Her mother had always been there for her when she needed her and Catherine loved that woman more than anything, but sometimes the older woman acted liked she didn't know the word boundaries and that could be quite annoying.

"Ah, come on darling, you two were planning to catch up anyway." Ann replied and gave her daughter a bewitching smile, "Dinner's all ready by the way." With that she returned to the kitchen, blissfully ignoring the annoyance resonating in her daughter's voice.

"She called to say thanks and um, you know your mom, she is pretty convincing." Steve explained awkwardly and shifted his weight nervously from one feet to the other. He didn't know why, but in that moment he felt like he was the young man again, who was having dinner with his Catherine's parents for the first time.

"She is." Catherine sighed. She knew her mother had her own motives for arranging this, but she was happy to see him nevertheless, "It's, uh, good to see you."

Steve nodded slightly, he was glad to be here, too, even though he knew he would have to undergo some questioning tomorrow morning. Leaving work early to attend a dinner wasn't something he did everyday. Unsure whether to hug her or not, he just stood there. Catherine was wearing jeans shorts and a black tank top, showing off her slim but pretty figure. She wasn't wearing any make-up and her hair was still a little wet, but to him she looked incredibly beautiful. To him she would always be one of the most beautiful woman. She seemed pretty relaxed and he wondered when he had last seen her wearing shorts - it must have been a while already.

"Hate to interrupt this, um, starring battle," Alex interrupted them and watched his sister roll her eyes, "Steve, long time no see, how are you?" He offered his hand to the other man, which Steve accepted gracefully.

"Ah, you know. Busy, but good." Steve replied, as he shook the younger man's hand, "What about you?" He had always gotten along well with the Rollins' siblings, even though they were very protective of their sister. They had always treated Steve with respect and made him feel included.

They followed Ann into the kitchen, where they sat down and Catherine had to admit that the food smelled wonderful. Her mom had made a traditional Hawaiian dish of which she had forgotten the name and she made a mental note to ask her about it later. Great cooking really was in her blood - her grandma had been a great cook, her mother was a great cook and her older brother was a head chef at a local restaurant. She herself had always enjoyed cooking too, but she rarely ever found the time to actually do it.

"Yeah, I know a little bit about that too. Uh, you remember Clara?" Alex asked and broke her train of thought. Steve nodded, "We became parents a few weeks ago. We have a beautiful baby boy now." he added and his eyes started sparkling in a way she had never seen her brothers' eyes glow before.

"Oh really? Congratulations, that's great." Steve replied genuinely, a smile was gracing his face.

"Yeah, he is the best. I mean we have pulled a dozen all-nighters already because of him, but it is so worth it." he said, as he pulled his phone out of the back pocket of his shorts, "Look!"

He showed them a dozen photos of his newborn son, a cute little kid with black hair and brown eyes, "He is cute..and he definitely got the Rollins' eyes." Steve said, his eyes filled with admiration, and Catherine couldn't help but eye him with an amused look.

Ann just followed the encounter quietly, as she placed the filled plates in front of her guests. She knew that from the outside, inviting Steve here, even though she knew how difficult it was for her daughter, probably seemed quite ignorant. However, she also knew that her daughter, being as stubborn as she was, would need a few little stimuli to finally make things right with Steve, so that they could both move on.

"You are right." Alex replied and seemed to be somewhat impressed by Steve's observation, "Isn't he just the cutest?"

"He is. You two did a great job." Catherine said and nudged him against the shoulder, a soft smile on her face, "I can't wait to meet the little guy!" She was happy for him. She really was. But she couldn't help the slight sting she felt in her heart. Sometimes she felt like her mother could read her mind, because it was in that exact moment that her mother's piercing eyes fell on her.

"You are welcome anytime, sis." Alex replied and smiled at his sister, before turning to Steve, "I mean, I didn't know that this was something I wanted, when Marie told me she was pregnant, but..it's the best." Alex added and she knew exactly what he meant. And it hurt pretty damn much, but she also knew that he never would have said such a thing, if he knew what she had been through. She hadn't told him, so she didn't blame him, but instead took a sip from his water in an effort to swallow the lumb in her throat.

When she looked back up, her eyes locked with Steve's. And all of the sudden she saw or at least seemed to see their future in his eyes. They had never really talked about having kids when they had still been dating, but she knew it was something that he wanted. She felt the guilt creep right back, filling her whole body until she felt like she couldn't breathe anymore. It was all her fault, really. She had left. And then, when they were seemed to be given another chance, she had lost his baby.

"Um, I will be right back." she excused herself, as she felt tears burn in her eyes. She felt Steve's eyes follow her and she was almost positive that he had noticed that something was wrong. She locked the bathroom door behind herself and sat down on the closed toilet lid. Her arms encircled her knees, pressing them up against her upper body, as her head came to rest on her knees. With her eyes closed, it was even harder to keep out the images that kept floating her mind.

_FLASHBACK - 20th March 2019, 0435 hours, Rollins' household_

_Catherine was awaken by a sharp pain in her abdomen. It almost felt like she was having contractions and she knew that that wasn't a good sign, "Ugh." she breathed, as her body convulsed. For the fraction of a moment the pain seemed to lessen, so she__ reached out for the lamp on the nightstand and folded the covers away, just to find a big red stain in what used to be a white bedsheet.  
_

_"No." she sobbed, tears of pain and fear rolling down her cheeks. She knew what this meant or at least she was fairly certain what it meant. Somehow she managed to get up and stumble to her parents' room, "Mom, mom!"_

_"Catherine..what is going on?" her mother mumbled, still half-asleep, "What time is it?"_

_"I..I think I'm-I am having a-a miscarr-iage." she was stammering, the pain in her abdomen and the fact that she was crying barely allowed her to speak properly. __This wasn't at all like her. She had never been the one to run to her parents when she was hurting, even as a little kid. She had always been too stubborn and wanted to solve her problems on her own. However, that she was running to her parents now, without even thinking about it, showed how serious the situation was. _

_"What?" her mother was suddenly wide-awake and switched on the lights, waking James, Catherine's father, in the process, __"Hmm." the man murmured._

_"Call 911 now!" she ordered her husband, who was now wide awake too. With one glance at Catherine, he knew exactly what was going on. He felt his heart break at the sight, he wanted nothing more than to take her in his arms and hug all the pain away, but he was a soldier; he was trained to not let his emotions take the upper hand. _

_"Mom." Catherine cried, because the pain was consuming her. It wasn't just the physical pain anymore, it was the combination of both the physical one as well as the emotional pain. She held her stomach, almost as if by holding it she could save her baby. "Please st-stay." she begged, it was barely understandable.  
_

_She felt her mom wrap her arms around her, trying to support her daughter in the best way she could right now. Ann had experienced or been a witness to quite a few terrible things over the years - something that came with being a nurse with the military - but this was by far the worst. Seeing her own daughter cry and beg for her baby to stay, for this to just be a nightmare. And the worst thing was that she couldn't do a single thing to help her._

_"Pl-please do someth-thing. Mom. Pl-please." Catherine begged again, this time it was merely a whisper. And then, suddenly, it was quiet. Almost unbearably so. It was like all energy had left her daughter, like she was empty.  
_

_The ambulance came and brought her to the ER. It wasn't like anybody had expected a different outcome, but they couldn't do anything anymore. Catherine had suffered a miscarriage. The doctors advised her __to spent the night in the hospital so that they could check her out thoroughly in the morning to make sure that she was going to be fine. She didn't really care, she barely noticed any of that happening and her parents did most of the talking. __At some point, she had just given up. She knew that her baby was gone even before she even arrived at the hospital. _

_Now, she was laying in a hospital bed. Rays of sunshine were flooding the other than that pretty bleak and sterile room. Her parents were sleeping in armchairs at her bedside, but Catherine didn't sleep. __Maybe she could have, but she didn't really allowed herself to try. _

_Her hand found its' way to her stomach. She had barely started to show, so it didn't feel much different. Or at least nobody would have noticed it from the outside. But on the inside she felt a giant hole inside of her, like she was suddenly not complete anymore. A part of her had gone with that baby. _

_A silent tear escaped her eye. The irony of it all was that at the beginning, she hadn't even wanted it. When she had first found out that she was pregnant about a month ago, she had been surprised and angry. Both with herself and Steve. It was his, there was no doubt of that. Her life was kind of all over the place, she was working in one of the most dangerous jobs in the world and she could hardly continue being an undercover agent with the CIA while being pregnant. At first she didn't like the thought of that at all, because her job was her whole life, it gave her the halt she needed. And as long as she was working, she felt like she hadn't given up her whole life and everything she had ever loved for nothing, because she was trying to make the world a better place. _

_But then, when she had heard the baby's heart beat for the very first time, something changed and this little thing that had been developing in her tummy had started to grow on her. She had been planning to hand in her letter of resignation in the next few days. __So, she had taken a few weeks off and flew to Hawai'i, where she was staying with her parents until she would have mustered up the courage to tell Steve. Actually, she had planned to tell him today. She had no idea how he would have reacted, because she barely knew what was going on in his life right now and ___it hadn't exactly been planned_. But she could have never imagined not telling him. A little, very little, part of her was even feeling excited to tell him, because this could have been their second chance. __The tears were streaming down her face by now.  
_

_But now, it didn't even matter anymore. Nothing seemed to matter anymore. She suddenly felt like getting as far away from this place as possible, because she knew the longer she would stay here the greater the urge to tell Steve what had happened. And she definitely wanted to spar him from that pain. He had suffered from so much loss in his life already, he didn't need to add a unborn baby on top of that.  
_

_PRESENT - Rollins household, 1815 hours_

Catherine ran her hands over her face, after splashing it with water. Her mother was right and she knew it. She would never be able to leave this event in the past - as far as that was even possible - without telling Steve. She had successfully ignored that part of her brain that had told her that from the beginning, because she had felt so guilty. She had felt like this was somehow her fault and that he was gonna blame her like she was blaming herself, that he was gonna hate her like she had hated herself. Nowadays she knew that he was probably going to be angry and sad and maybe he wouldn't even wanna talk to her for some time, but she was sure that he would never, not in a million years, blame her for anything, especially not for losing the baby.

She sighed deeply. Her mind was set, she would tell him. No matter the costs. They both deserved closure. A few deep breaths later, she unlocked the bathroom door and joined the others at the table. Once again, she felt like her mother could read her mind, because she only smiled at her gently. Catherine nodded softly, confirming her mother's suspicion. She would tell him.

* * *

_TRIGGER WARNING: In this chapter, a miscarriage will be described in detail. If you suffered one yourself or if you are generally sensitive in regards to this topic, this might be triggering. Please put your mental health first, when deciding whether to read this chapter or not. If you do wanna read it, yo__u can for example just skip the part that is written in cursive._

_._

_I have to admit that lately I have been feeling rather insecure about this story in particular, because I know that it is different from the show (many OCs etc.). And since it ended about a week ago, I don't know if people are even still interested. Anyway, thanks for sticking with my story I guess and I hope you still like it._


	5. Chapter 5

_AN: Aloha everyone! Thank y'all for your motivational reviews after I uploaded the last chapter! You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you, thank you, thank you!  
_

_So apparently I will have digital classes for the following two weeks. And then I will return to school, but only because I am going to graduate next year and of course with certain rules I have to adhere to. I am not quite sure whether I like that or not, but it's not up to me anyway. Even though I wanna return to my everyday life (before covid-19) really badly, I think it's going to be an interesting time - we gotta stay positive, right? _

_What about you? Are you going to school/to work rn? How are you dealing with the lockdown? __I hope y'all are staying safe and healthy. _

* * *

**Honolulu, O'ahu, 1100 hours**

She wanted to tell him, she really did. But the minute she stepped into that diner, all her courage seemed to be gone. Puff - just like that. He looked up at her, a soft smile was gracing his face. It was a real smile, an honest one and she was about to wipe it right off his face. With weak knees she made her way through the almost empty diner towards the table he was sitting at.

"Hey." he greeted her, when she sat down, "I already ordered, I hope that's okay for you."

She peeled herself out of the thin anorak she was wearing and nodded, "So, um, if you already ordered, what did you order for me?" she asked curiously.

"You will see." he replied with a self-satisfied smile. She just rolled her eyes at him, only bringing an even bigger smile to his lips, because he loved it when she did that. Their eyes locked and everything else seemed to fade away, it was just them. Just Steve and Catherine. He was slowly loosing himself in her eyes and he could feel his heart beat fasten.

Steve broke the eye contact, knowing fully well that the tension between the two of them would have overwhelmed him as well as her within the next few seconds and they wouldn't have been able to take a step back then - that's at least what happened in Montana. He cleared his throat, "So..how's your dad?" he asked then. For the fraction of a second he thought he saw disappointment flicker in her eyes, but it was gone as fast as it had come.

"He is recovering well. A few more days in the hospital and then another 4 weeks resting at home and he will be his old-self." Catherine told him, "Well, actually, I think he already is pretty much his old-self. You know, I actually caught him wanting to sneak out of the hospital a few days ago."

Steve chuckled, "Typical work-aholic..I mean you and I both know what that's like." Neither of them liked staying in the hospital longer than absolutely necessary - he actually had a history of releasing himself, often before the doctors gave their okay. And that both of them were work-aholic's wasn't exactly a secret either.

"Yeah." she mumbled and for a second she felt anger bubble up inside of her, because her work-aholic mentality had made her give up everything she had ever loved. However, before she could add anything else, a waitress arrived at their table. With a polite smile, she placed a plate with pancakes in front of Steve and a second plate with waffles in front of Catherine.

"Thank you…oh my god, you remembered." she exclaimed stunned, as she realized that he had ordered her favorite meal: waffles with cherries and vanilla ice cream. She looked at him, admiration clearly visible in her eyes.

A chuckle escaped his mouth, as he remembered the last time they had shared those waffles, "How could I forget? You made me eat them at least a million times." he replied. He would never admit that to anyone, but sometimes, on the days he missed her the most, on the days he just felt incredibly lonely, he usually ordered waffles instead of pancakes. Somehow it made him feel less alone.

"Thank you." she whispered, an honest smile was playing upon her lips. She started eating her waffles and remembered the many times she had eaten those in his company, the many times he had made those for her. And suddenly it all came back to her. She had promised herself to tell him today. She had barely slept last night, because she had been up all night trying to prepare herself for this conversation, trying to find the right words. But now that she was sitting here, opposite to him, watching him eat his pancakes, it was all gone. Her mind was blank, she didn't seem to remember a single sentence she had come up with.

"Cath? Hey, what's going on?" Steve asked, as he noticed a silent tear rolling down her cheeks.

His soft voice brought her back to reality. She hadn't even noticed that she had been shedding tears. She locked her eyes with him and all she could see there was love - he really cared for her, he always had. She looked down, her hand was nervously pinching her other hand - a coping mechanism she had developed after she had lost her baby. Their baby. When she looked up again, he still looked at her with love, and concern. And this was one of those moments, where she asked herself how she could have ever let him go.

"I..This is just so great..you are so great..and so good to me and I.." she stammered. He had been one of the most carrying and thoughtful friends/boyfriends she had ever had. He even remembered her favorite food after all those years. She momentarily closed her eyes, before swallowing the big lump in her throat and wiping away her tears. She needed to stay strong.

"What are you talking about?" he dug deeper, as he took her hand into his.

His touch send a new and yet so familiar shiver down her spine, "I need to tell you something, Steve. Something I should have told you a long time ago, but I was too afraid…that you might blame me." She had regained some of her composure, her voice was a lot steadier.

"Blame you? Cath, what are you talking about?" he asked once again and a worry crinkle appeared on his forehead, as he grew more and more concerned. This reminded him an awful lot of that day on the porch almost 4 years ago, where she had told him that she would leave again. It worried him to the core to see her this broken, because one rarely ever saw her like that.

"I, um," she trailed off. She took a deep breath and locked her eyes with his again, "You remember New Years Eve in Montana?" she asked finally. Something undefinable flickered over his face, before he nodded slowly, trying to swallow the lump in his throat. "Well, uhm, about two months later..I found out that I was pregnant." she continued, her voice still steady.

His pulled back his hand and she immediately felt a coldness where he his hand had been. "You..were pregnant?" he asked, completely taken aback, "With my…?" He would have literally expected anything, but not this. Not in a million or even a billion years.

"Yes, definitely..yours." she replied and gave him a moment to comprehend it all. Sadly enough, this wasn't even the entire story.

"So, um, we have a kid? That I know nothing about?" Steve asked, after a while. He couldn't believe what she was telling him. He had a child? With Catherine? It felt like he was in some kind of parallel universe, it felt like none of this was real. A rush of anger overcame him and he felt it taking over his body and his mind, leaving very little space for any other feelings.

"No." she whispered and she could feel her heart shatter into a million pieces, "About a month after I found out, I lost it. I miscarried."

For the fraction of a second, she saw empathy in his eyes. But as fast as it had come, it had disappeared again. He didn't know how to feel nor what to say. His mind was racing trying to put all the pieces together, as he slowly started to comprehend what she had just told him. She had been pregnant. With his child. And then she had suffered a miscarriage. And now, a year later, she told him all this over coffee and pancakes in a diner. There it was again, the anger he had felt before, cursing through his veins, overwhelming him. "All of this happened, when, about a year ago? And you are telling me about all of this now?" he asked.

"I am so sorry - I wanted to tell you, I really did, but then I suffered the miscarriage..and I just..thought it would be for the best if I spared you all this pain." she tried to explain, fully aware that there was no apology in the world that could ever make up for any of it.

"You shouldn't have made that decision for me." he was getting louder and from the corner of her eyes she noticed a few waitresses watching their encounter with curiosity.

"I know, Steve, I know I.." she trailed off, because she didn't know what to say and she didn't want to justify any of her actions either. She searched for his eyes to have one of their conversations without actual words - but she didn't reach him. He didn't want to hear what she had to say. Not now. And when she finally locked her eyes with his, all she found there was disorientation and anger. Pure and totally justified anger. "You had no right!" he yelled. The anger was now ever-present.

The next second, he was up on his feet and already on his way towards the door, "Steve, wait." she called after him, even though she knew it would be best if she just let him go.

He stopped dead in his tracks and turned around slightly to be able to look at her, "You had no right, Catherine. But I can't..I can't do this..right now." he said and she could see the confusion in his eyes - it seemed like there was a hurricane raging behind them. "I need time. Just..just leave me alone." He didn't wait for an answer, but instead turned around again and headed out of the diner.

* * *

**King's Medical Center, 1700 hours **

Steve had been wandering around Honolulu almost the entire day. But the muggy weather didn't really play along with his wish to clear his head. Danny had called him at least a dozen times and at some point Steve had managed to at least text him back. He had written that he just needed to take care of some things and that he would be back tomorrow. And that he was okay - which he totally wasn't. Obviously. At some point it had rained, but it didn't really help resolve the conflict in his head like it normally woud. The chaos in his mind was still as prominent as ever. He didn't know how he had ended up here; in front of Catherine's fathers' hospital room. Maybe it was his wish for some guidance, for some advice. He definitely was in desperate need of that.

Before he could overthink it, he just knocked on the door - it didn't seem to matter anyway. "Come in." a man's voice came from the other side of the door and with a deep breath, Steve slipped inside, "Well, you are not my wife nor any one of my children, but I will take it." James said, but he was obviously surprised.

"Is this a bad time, Sir? Because I can-" Steve said, as if he was looking for an excuse to leave again.

"No, absolutely not. Come on, Steven, sit down." James argued, because his interest was piqued. He hadn't seen the man in ages, but he really liked Steve and he was convinced that he would have been the perfect husband for his daughter - even if he would never admit that in front of Steve. Even though he didn't really make a good first impression, he later won over the entire Rollins' family with his charm and his deep love for Catherine.

Steve obliged and sat down on the armchair at James' bedside, "How are you doing, Sir?" Steve asked and tried his best to smile.

"I am fine. Can't believe they aren't letting me go just yet." James replied, as he inspected the man, his almost son-in-law, a bit more closely, "But if I may say so, you don't look so great." Steve's clothes and his hair were still a bit wet, but he didn't seem to notice nor to care - he was definitely confused and disoriented. It looked like there was some kind of thunderstorm raging behind his eyes - they darted to the ground, before they started searching the room for something, anything. Long story short: they were restless. "She told you, didn't she?"

"How do you-"

"Let's just call it parental intuition." James couldn't help but chuckle at Steve's surprised face, "Come on, I am your ex-girlfriend's dad. You would probably never visit me under normal circumstances. "

"Sir, I-"

"It's fine, Steven, I wouldn't expect you to, anyway." James assured him with a small smile, "And you can leave this military jargon behind for now. Neither of us is wearing a uniform right now."

"Okay Sir- um, okay." Steve replied and immediately was reminded of the first time Junior had stood at his doorstep.

"I am not gonna ask you how you are, because the answer is obvious," James stated, his eyes glued on the man in front of him, "But if there is something you would like to get off your chest, I am all ears, son."

Steve's eyes darted to the ground again, before he finally made eye contact with James, "I am just..angry. And so confused. I don't know how to feel or what to think anymore." he mumbled, keeping his head bowed, almost as if he was ashamed, "I just wish..I would have known. About everything. I wish I could have been there to get through it..with her. Together."

James just nodded slightly, encouraging Steve to go on. He understood how the man sitting in front of him was feeling. And even though James found that he might not be the right person to talk this through with, considering that he was Catherine's father, he knew that Steve desperately needed someone to talk to and he wasn't gonna push Steve away. Maybe he could even help them.

"I just can't believe that she kept it from me. Cath..she has always been one of the very few people who were always honest with me. That was always special about us. We might have played down an injury every so often, but when it came to the important stuff..we were always honest with each other." Steve told James. After all his parents had never been fully honest with him. His mom had faked her death and his father had shipped him off to the mainland, without further explanation - that's why he had always appreaciated the honesty between him and Catherine so much. "And now.." Steve trailed off, because if he was honest with himself, he had no idea what would be now.

"You know I would always side with my daughter, if it comes down to it, but I get it. And let me tell you, it's totally okay to feel this way." James piped up and gave Steve some time to answer, but when he didn't, James added: "After she suffered that miscarriage, she wasn't herself anymore. Actually, I think, when she visited me yesterday, that was the first time in a long time that I saw her smile again. A real smile. She is slowly becoming herself again and whether or not she has realized that yet, that has a lot to do with her being here on Hawai'i and more importantly with seeing you again." James shifted his position slightly, watching Steve's reaction very closely, before continuing, "She threw herself into work, we often didn't hear from her for months. One time I even got a call from a companioned agent stating that she had to cut short a mission, because she was hurt really badly. She had to spent two weeks in the hospital. That's why Ann came to you so quickly, you know, we were honestly worried that she might have gotten too careless."

Steve's heart broke even more when he heard this. Despite his anger, he still cared about her and he would never, ever would have wanted for her to go through something like this. He wouldn't even wish it on his archenemy, "Why didn't she talk to me then? We could have gone through this together." he said slowly.

"I don't know Steve. And I know this is no excuse, all I am trying to say is that when we experience deep hits like that, we tend to forget who we are. And we tend to push away the people we care about." James said, "Catherine always did that. Even when she was still very young. She always wanted to solve things on her own." That raised a small smile from Steve - something he considered progress. "And in the end, you have to remember that she didn't do it to hurt you. Quite the contrary actually."

"I know that. I know that she wanted to protect me..but I didn't ask to be protected from this." Steve mumbled, "And she had to right to make that decision for me."

James nodded, "I get it, but she loves you. Always has, son." James replied and a small smile graced his face, "And I know that you two will figure this out. Like you always have."

Steve nodded slowly. James was probably right. He still felt the anger bubble inside of him, but a part of him, though still a very little one, understood why she had decided the way she had. James could see Steve's face clear up slightly, his eyes weren't flickering as nervously as before and the confusion and anger that had been visible all over his face was more or less gone - almost as if the thunderstorm had passed.


	6. Chapter 6

_AN: These days I am spending most of my time on my terrace just writing..and honestly, it's good for me. I love writing and I love that I finally have the time to do it. However, since school (online classes) started for me again on monday, I don't have as much time as I had in the past two weeks. I hope I will continue to update quickly, but I am not making any promises.  
_

_I don't know what it is, but there is something about this chapter that doesn't feel right to me just yet..but I decided to upload it anyway, because it's probably just me anyway. And if I find it, I can still edit it. So, enjoy!_

_Stay safe and healthy!_

* * *

**Rollins' residence, 2000 hours**

Steve turned off the engine, as his car came to an halt in front of the Rollins' residence. Since he was coming straight from work, he removed his gun and his badge from his belt holster and put them into the glovebox of his car. His eyes shifted to the house. With it being a white wooden house with a porch in the frontyard it was pretty much the typical house one would imagine a rich American to live in. The Rollins' family definitely wasn't lacking any money, but in contrast to many other houses in this street, their house was still kept relatively modest. Ann had always liked to work in the garden and the frontyard was living proof of it. Beautiful flowers were covering it though each seemed to have its own specific place. It had only been a few days since he had last been here, but it felt like everything was different now.

He looked back at the empty street in front of him and sighed deeply, before leaning back into his car seat. It's been three days since Catherine told him about her pregnancy and her miscarriage. Three days of spending almost every waking minute thinking about it. He had felt a whole range of emotions, from disbelief to sadness, from understanding to anger. Of course, his team had noticed that something was up, but he just needed some time to figure it all out for himself - he still hadn't, but he was ready to figure it all out with Catherine now. Together. So, he hadn't talked about it with anyone aside from Catherine's father James, and Danny. And since Danny had been through something remotely similar with Rachel and Charlie a few years back, he could very well understand the anger Steve was experiencing. But much to Steve's surprise Danny got why Catherine had decided the way she had - he had even said that he might have done the same, had he been in Catherine's shoes. Because in contrast to Danny's situation, Steve now didn't have a child he hadn't known a thing about, but instead he just had a whole lot of pain to deal with.

He took a deep breath, before he opened his car door and got out of the vehicle. Slowly, but steadily he made his way to the door, barely noticing the neighbor that greeted him with a sweet "Aloha". This definitely wasn't the rather ordinary catch up session he had had in mind the minute he had heard that Catherine would return to O'ahu. His heart was thumbing fast against his ribcage and he shifted his weight nervously from one feet to the other, before knocking on the door. About 20 seconds later he heard footsteps coming closer and much to his dismay it wasn't Catherine who opened the door, but instead a stranger. Mentioned stranger was probably in his early forties, he had blonde hair and definitely wasn't completely unattractive.

"Hello? Can I help you?" the man asked and something about his voice sounded oddly familiar. Suddenly it hit him. It was the same throaty voice that had picked up Catherine's phone when he had called her almost two weeks ago. In-between Catherine's return and then hearing about her pregnancy, he had totally forgotten about this man. He didn't know who he was, Catherine had never told him nor had he ever asked. But the fact that he was here, now, wearing only sweatpants and a t-shirt, showed that he wasn't just somebody.

"Um, I am looking for Catherine. Is she there?" Steve replied and straighten his position.

Jason knitted his eyebrows slighty, almost as if he was debating whether to tell the other man the truth or not. "No, I am sorry, she has to take care of a few things. I can take a message, if you want. What's your name?" Jason asked - it slowly dawned on him who that man standing on the doorstep was.

"I am, uh, Steve McGarrett." he extended his hand, which Jason accepted easily, "And you are Jason, right?" As inconspiciously as possible he tried to check out the man standing in front of him, wondering who exactly this man was to Catherine. Was he Catherine's boyfriend?

"Ah yeah, Jason Smith. Nice to meet you." Jason replied. A small smile was gracing his face, though one couldn't really tell if it was real or fake, "You are an old friend of Catherine's, right? Looking to catch up probably?" Jason obviously didn't seem to know about their history or he was very good at pretending he didn't know.

"Yeah, uhm, do you know when she will be back?" Steve asked and for the fraction of a moment he considered the possibility that she might have been called to some sort of emergency op.

"Not until late night probably." he answered and watched Steve knit his eyebrows in question, "I can tell her you stopped by."

"Yeah, that would be great. Thanks, I guess. Aloha." Steve replied, smiling wryingly. He didn't like any part nor the outcome of this conversation. First, he had really wanted to talk to Catherine. He had so many questions, so much he wanted to talk about and if he was completely honest with himself, he just wanted to spend time with her - before she would leave again. And secondly, there was something about this guy that he just couldn't stand - the thought of him with Catherine made his stomach turn a few degrees further than he liked.

"Yeah, bye." Jason said. Since he wasn't from here he barely even knew what the word 'Aloha' meant.

Instead of closing the door, his eyes followed Steve, who was making his way back to his car. But before he could even reach the entrance gate, Ann, who had been working in the backyard almost the entire afternoon, suddenly appeared - as if she knew he was here. Jason watched the two embrace each other with such ease, it looked like they were quite familiar with each other. They exchanged a few words, which Jason couldn't hear because they weren't close enough, before they hugged again and Steve finally left the property. Jason couldn't really put his finger on it yet, but something really bugged him about that Steve person. He had the feeling that there was a lot more or else that there at least had been a lot more between his girlfriend and this mysterious "old friend" of hers.

* * *

**Rollins' residence, 0600 hours**

It was early morning, when Catherine finally got back home. Jason was sleeping soundly in the guest bed and she decided to at least try and catch a few hours of sleep too. She definitely needed it after the day she had and somehow it felt like she would be able to sleep a bit more peacefully tonight. Catherine slipped into her sweatpants that were neatly folded on the grey armchair that was standing next to the bed. Then, she climbed onto the bed and disappeared under the sheets, sighing deeply.

She hadn't heard from Steve ever since she had told him the truth and she knew that he just needed some time, but the guilt and the pain still haunted her. And to top it all off, Jason had decided to surprise her. Of course he had shown up just mere hours after she had told Steve - he really had excellent timing. She knew he meant well. He wanted to be the cute boyfriend, who surprised his girlfriend just to be there for her and she really appreciated his efforts, but it wasn't the right time. Somehow it never was. At least not with Jason.

"Hey.." she heard Jason murmur. She closed her eyes momentarily, because she had really hoped that she wouldn't wake him. Catherine turned around than, wearing the best fake smile she had to offer, "Morning." she replied.

He scooched closer to her until their faces were only mere inches apart. "Everything went down okay?" he asked, as his hand began caressing her cheek, after tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear.

"Yeah...as good as you would expect it to go down. Still can't believe it." she whispered, "But it was the right decision."

He nodded slowly, "I am glad." he replied and placed a soft peck on her lips. His lips were soft and he was definitely a good kisser. But something about this - though she wasn't quite sure what it was yet - just didn't feel right anymore.

"So, how did you hold up here without me all day?" she asked then. This entire situation with him being here - alone - with her family, especially with her mother, made her really uncomfortable. "It was pretty boring..without you." he replied and chuckled slightly, before his eyes darkened a bit - almost as if he suddenly was reminded of something he didn't like.

"Hey, everything okay? My mom didn't-"

"No, your mom was really nice, everything is fine." he interrupted her and was involuntarily reminded of the sense of familiarity he had witnessed between Catherine's mom and Catherine's "old friend" Steve.

"Okay, so...what are you not telling me?"

"Ah, nothing..your friend showed up today." he answered, underlining the word friend, "Steve McGarrett was it, right?"

Now Catherine was the one to look somewhat puzzled. Steve had been here. And of course it was Jason of all people who just happened to be there to open the door, just like he had been the one to answer that one phone call from Steve. Neither really knew about the other one and imagening that encounter somehow made her feel a little queasy, but she tried her best to overhear the implication he made that he didn't quite believe who Steve was to her. Though a part of her already knew that there was no getting around it. "Steve? Really?" she asked, hoping that he wouldn't see how her cheeks were turning pink in the dim morning light, "What did he want?"

"I don't know. He looked a little bit lost." he told her and shrugged his shoulders, "He just said to tell you that he was here."

Despite the fact that it was Jason who had been there to open the door, this was a good thing, because it probably meant Steve was ready to talk to her again. She could literally feel some of the weight being lifted from her shoulders and watched it melt into thin air, because for the first time in a really long time it felt like everything might work out after all. Sure, they still had a lot to figure out and a lot to work through together, but she just knew in that moment that they were going to be okay - because they had each other. She couldn't help the huge grin that broke on her face at that thought.

"What? What's going on?" Jason asked, he seemed to be somewhat confused.

"Um, I was..I was just-" she started, but avoided looking him in the eyes. Suddenly the guilt was back, oh, how she hated that feeling. It had been her constant companion over the past year. "Who is he? I mean, really. Who is he?" he interrupted her with the question that he had been asking himself over and over again ever since his encounter with Steve yesterday evening.

"What do you mean? I told you he was an old-"

"Come on, Catherine, you can be honest with me." he interrupted her again and she could see it in his eyes that he already kind off knew the truth, "He is the one who..would have been the father..right?" She hadn't told him much about her pregnancy, he just knew that she hadn't been in a serious relationship when it happened and that she miscarried. And for a long time he had accepted that little piece of information, because he was positive that she would open up about it sooner or later. But ever since he had first heard that name 'Steve McGarrett' Catherine wasn't the same anymore. More distant and at the same time somewhat calmer - she was just different from the Catherine he had gotten to know over the past 6 months. That was why he had come out here in the first place really; he wanted to know what was going on.

Catherine just nodded slowly. "He...We were together for a bunch of years..and about 4 years ago, when I signed a contract with the CIA we split up. When we were on a mission together..it happened. But before I even got the chance to tell him, I miscarried." she explained, knowing fully well that she should have been honest with him a long time ago.

"You just told him now, huh?" he asked and his eyes told her how difficult this was for him. Catherine just nodded again. He turned on his back, no longer wanting to look her in the eyes, "Who is he?"

"I just told you that-"

"No, I mean, who is he now? Because the way he looked at me..he isn't just an old friend. At least to him..you are not just an old friend, Catherine." he whispered, as if he was almost afraid of the answer, "So..who is he to you?" She could hear it in his voice how much it pained him to even ask it.

She honestly didn't know. But she couldn't really ignore the butterflies in her stomach when she heard his name. It had been a while since she had last felt something like that. After the miscarriage, she just wanted to make the pain go away, she just wanted to be numb, she wanted to forget about it all. She often got a little too careless and when she met Jason and he made her laugh, she had jumped right into that relationship. It was exciting and good for her, but she knew that she had treated him more like a rebound or someone you occasionally enjoy spending time with and not like her boyfriend. She didn't even remember when he had started referring to them as boyfriend and girlfriend.

"I don't know who he is, Jason...I just know that he is someone I will probably never be able to cut out off my life." she replied and that was honestly the best she had offer. She couldn't really tell how she felt about Steve, but one thing she could say with absolute certainty was that she couldn't ban him from her life for good. And even if she could, she wouldn't do it. Somehow everything traced back to him.


	7. Chapter 7

_AN: __This was so so hard to write, it really hurt. But overall I really enjoy writing this story..and I am kind off sad that it's slowly coming to an end. There is only one (or maybe two) chapter(s) left, guys. I am probably gonna get all mushy in the AN of the last chapter, so I just wanted to thank y'all in advance for sticking with this story. That really means a lot to me! Hope you enjoy this chapter._

_Stay safe and healthy!_

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**McGarrett residence, 2000 hours**

He had just stepped out of the shower, when he heard someone knocking on his door. Without thinking it all the way through, he made his way to the door with nothing but a towel wrapped around the lower part of his body. "Catherine." he uttered in surprise, when he opened the door with one swift move. He didn't really know who he had expected to see on his doorstep, but probably not her.

"Hey, sailor." she whispered and chuckled at his expression, "Jason, uh, told me you stopped by yesterday, so.." She was trying really hard not to stare at his well-built torso, as she unwillingly was reminded of the last time she had felt his bare skin pressed against hers. Barely noticable she shook her head, trying to push those thoughts into the back of her head, "Uhm, I brought longboards." She held up a sixpack with beers, a somewhat playful smile was plastered on her face now.

He cleared his throat, "Uh, yeah, come in." he said finally and stepped aside, "Let me just throw some civies on, I will be right back."

2 minutes later, Steve came down the stairs again. He was now wearing cargo pants - just like he always had - and a white t-shirt. Catherine had already sat down on the couch. The sixpack was placed on the couch table in front of her and two bottles had already been opened. He took a seat next to her on the couch and even though their bodies weren't touching, he could still feel the warmth radiating from her body. They clinked their beers and both took a sip.

"I would have stopped by earlier, but I figured that you were working..and I wanted to increase my chances of meeting you here." Catherine piped up finally, unsure of where to start this conversation. He hummed and nodded slightly, "So, um, how was your day?" Catherine added.

"Ah, you know..some crazy guy killed his wife and Danny had a lot to babble about."

"Sounds like a pretty ordinary day in the office." she commented, a small smile on her lips. He turned his head to look at her and chuckled slightly, because Catherine was making a good point, it really was a pretty good description of an ordinary work day of his.

Silence filled the space between them and it was weighing heavy. Heavy, because of the secret she had kept to herself for way too long. Heavy, because of the sadness and the guilt. Heavy, because of all the things that were still left unsaid.

She placed her beer on the table again. "Steve, I know that there is no apology that could ever make up for my decision..but I just want you to know that I know that I should have told you about it right after it happened. And I am honestly sorry that I didn't." she said, her eyes locked with his, because she wanted to him to see that she meant every single word.

"I know that, Cath. I do, I really do." he mumbled quietly, before placing his longboard right next to hers. "Can you tell me about it? I mean about..our baby."

She nodded slowly and decided to start from the beginning. "I had just returned from a mission, when I found out. I was really..surprised..and a little bit angry..because you know, it just didn't happen the way I always imagined it would. And then I was worried that I might have unintentionally harmed the baby on my mission, so I made a doctor's appointment." she told him and she could feel her eyes well up with tears, "Everything was fine with..our baby. And when I heard the baby's heartbeat..for the first time..it suddenly started to grow on me, you know?"

He nodded and he felt a hint of anger bubble up inside of him again, because more than anything he wished that he could have been a part of all that. All the pain that would have followered, all the pain that he was now experiencing would have been worth it.

"I took a few weeks off and flew to Hawai'i..I was so nervous and afraid of telling you, because I didn't even know if you were dating or..I don't know." she spoke up and began pinching her left hand with her right hand again in an effort to keep it together - at least for a little while longer. This coping mechanism she had developed after the miscarriage helped her distract herself from the emotional pain by hurting herself physically. But at some point even that hadn't really worked anymore. And that's how, on more than one occasion she had gotten selfishly careless, and had even ended up in the hospital one time.

He took her hands into his as a way of calming her, "You had nothing to worry about. I mean sure it would have been a surprise and it probably wouldn't have been easy, but we could have managed it, don't you think?" He truly believed that they could have made it work, some part of him even believed that it could have been their second chance. She nodded slowly and turned her head away from him, because she didn't want him to see how hard she was fighting the tears right now.

"I..." she trailed off, as the first tear escaped her eye and rolled down her cheeks. And once again he had to realize that it wasn't just him who was hurting. She was, too. She was the one who had actually lost their baby. Catherine cleared her throat before continuing, "When I woke up that night..I just knew that something was wrong. I knew I had miscarried, before we even got to the hospital. And after..it..I convinced myself that you were going to blame me, you know? I was so sure that you were going to hate me, because I hated myself..for losing it."

"Hate you? Cath-" he started, but fell silent when she hold up her hand to signalize him to let her finish.

"I know that this doesn't make any sense..and deep down I always knew that you would never blame me..or hate me..but I just couldn't stand the chance of losing you too, after I had just lost our baby." she added, her face was now tear-stained. She had always felt like she had to punish herself for losing their baby. But she knew now that the pain couldn't really go away, because she never really allowed herself to heal.

It broke his heart to see her like this and he could feel his eyes brimming with tears now, too. He just pulled her into his arms and pressed a soft kiss on her hair, "You are never going to lose me, Rollins. You hear me?" he whispered and he meant it. Even if he wanted to hate her, which he didn't, he couldn't. Of course he had been angry with her after he had first found out, but he could have never hated or blamed her. Whether she was actively in his life - as a friend or a partner - or not even in his life at all, he would always, always care about her. And when she needed him, he would always, always be there.

She sobbed softly, before a small smile erupted on her face, "So I am stuck with you, huh?"

"You most definitely are."

"Wait, uh," she uttered suddenly, dashed away the tears with her hand and teared herself a little bit out of his grip. She reached into the back pocket of her jeans and a few seconds later she handed him a black and white photo. It was a little bit crooked and crumpled at the edges - she must have been carrying it around for quite some time. It was a sonogram. "This was taken when I first went to the doctor. I was about 10 and a half weeks pregnant there." she explained and watched him stare at the photo in both awe and sadness.

"This is..? Our baby?" he asked, as if it was completely delusional that this could be..could have been their baby. Something they had created together.

"Yes..yes, it is." she whispered in response and for a few seconds he locked his eyes with hers. Something in his eyes broke her heart even more. There laid something dreamy, almost happy, behind his bright eyes. And at the same time there laid a sadness behind his greenish-blue eyes. It was the same look he had had in his eyes when they had talked about her brother's unplanned baby. It was like she suddenly saw the future they could have had in his eyes.

"I didn't know you could miss something you never had so much." Steve mumbled and carefully caressed the picture with his thumb. A first tear rolled down his cheek. He wanted to hold this little baby in his arms, he wanted to kiss it, to snuggle it. He wanted to watch it sleep - peacefully, in his arms. He just wanted it to be here and alive right next to them. She just nodded, because she knew exactly what he meant - she was feeling the same way after all.

"Did you know the gender?" he asked softly, still staring at the sonogram of their baby.

"No..no I didn't. I probably would have found out about it at my doctor's appointment that was scheduled one week after I.." she trailed off. If everything would have gone according to plan he might have accompanied her to that doctor's appointment. She could feel another tear escape her eye and roll down her cheek. For quite some time she had foolishly believed that she was over it - as far as that was even possible - but now she had to admit to herself that she was very far away from being "over" it. "But, I, uh, had the feeling that it was going to be a girl. I don't know why..and it was just a feeling.."

A sad smile broke on his face, as images of a little Catherine flooded his mind. She probably would have been the most beautiful baby - in every way. "I wish..I could have been there for all of that.." he whispered. In that moment he wasn't angry with Catherine anymore, he was angry with God and the world - like he had been so many times over the last few days. He had lost so many people over the years, how was it okay that he now also lost a baby? His baby. Their baby. Tears were streaming down his face now and suddenly Catherine's hand was cupping his face, carefully wiping away the tears with her thumb.

"I am so sorry, Steve..I.." she whispered, her voice was trembling in sorrow, as she felt her heart shatter into a million pieces. She hated to see him this hurt, this broken. And what she hated even more was the fact that she was responsible for it.

Instead of responding, he just took her in his arms again. She nestled her head against his chest and he buried his face in her hair, taking in her scent that still made him feel like he was home. Both of them were crying now. Thick, salty tears were running down their cheeks, as both of them were grieving their baby. Their hearts felt more broken than they had in a long time. But at least, this time around, they were grieving together.

For several minutes they just stayed like that, tangled up in each other's arms, letting their tears fall freely. "How did you imagine it to happen? You know, you said earlier that it didn't really happen the way you always imagined it would..so?" he asked slowly, when both of them had calmed down a little again. Back when they had still been together, they had never really talked about having children. He had no idea if she had ever imagined children in their future - until now.

The question came unexpected and she was somewhat taken back, "Uh, I," she started and tried to find the right words, "I..I guess I just always thought that we would be in a relationship, when it happened. And that we would find out together and then go to the doctor together..and," her voice cracked, the tears were prickling in the corner of her eyes again. He squeezed her hand, quietly encouraging her to go on. "I once had this dream of us..sitting in the adirondack chairs in your backyard..you were holding a baby in your arm, I think it was a girl, and a little boy of maybe two was playing in the sand. When I woke up, I tried to ignore how much I had liked this dream." she chuckled softly, as another tear rolled down her cheek, "But I guess..that's how I always imagined it."

"You never told me about that." he said and looked at her in both surprise and awe.

"It was at the beginning of our relationship. You remember what we were like? We couldn't even admit that we were dating..how the hell could I have told you about such a dream?" she replied and her grin grew, "I am mean I was scared by that dream, but you probably would have peed your pants."

He scoffed, but couldn't help the smile that erupted on his face. And he didn't say anything in his defense, because he knew that she had a point there. He had always been afraid of commitment, even though Catherine had always made it feel easy. But even with her he had needed 5 years to finally decide to propose to her. And by then it had already been too late.

"I gotta say, after everything that happened in the last few years, I never thought we would end up here..like this." he mumbled and looked her in the eyes. The past few years of their relationship had been one emotional rollercoaster, just like the past few days. And even though he still wished that he could have been there for all of that - the doctor's appointment and even the miscarriage - he understood her decision not to tell him. He would never accept it as "okay", but he was slowly forgiving her.

"I know," she whispered, "I know." She pulled him in for another hug, when she saw his glassy eyes. Silently they comforted each other while crying. They were grieving their little baby boy or girl. A baby that they had created together, a baby that hadn't been planned at all, a baby that they had never met nor that they would ever meet. A baby that they never knew they wanted and still missed so terribly. As much as they were hurting, she could feel how her heart slowly began to heal - just like her mother had said it would. And even though it still felt so far away right in this moment, she was certain that they would work their way through this. Together. That had always been the best way anyway. Together.


	8. Chapter 8

_AN: I can't believe it's been already a month since the finale. I bet Steve and Catherine are having the time of their lives, where ever they might be. I hope that one day we get some kind of confirmation that they are married (maybe even with kids) through another show like Magnum P.I. __Anyway..this story is slowly coming to an end..after this chapter there will only be one more. So, lean back and enjoy this. _

_I hope y'all are doing okay, despite everything that is going on. If you ever need someone to talk to, hit me up! __And please stay safe and healthy._

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**McGarrett home, 0815 hours **

When Catherine woke up, she momentarily didn't know where she was. She rubbed her eyes in an effort to shake off the sleepiness and get a clearer vision. The beige-colored sheets were oddly familiar, but it definitely wasn't the guestroom in her parents' house. She drew a deep breath; the sheets smelled so much like him, it was overwhelming. It felt like she was home. And suddenly she knew exactly where she was: in Steve's bedroom. The morning sun was turning the room orangish and she thought she could hear the waves break at the shore somewhere in the distance. She sat up a little bit and leaned her back against the bedhead, a soft sigh escaped her mouth. She must have fallen asleep at some time during their conversation last night and he must have carried her upstairs and tucked her in. However, there was no trace of him anywhere in this room and if she had to guess she would say that he probably didn't sleep here but in the guest room or on the couch. Chuckling, she shook her head at that thought - of course, he had always been a gentlemen.

Still a little sleepy, she searched for her phone on the nightstand. She couldn't help the soft smile that broke on her face when she saw that he had not only carried her upstairs, but had also thought of bringing her small hangbag with him. She fished out the phone just to find an unread SMS from her mom. _"Hi sweetie, I hope you two finally get to talk without any interruptions. Remember that you two have been through a lot together; you will be fine."_ She smiled at the text, because it was so much like her mother. And honestly, she loved her mother for that. In that moment another text arrived - almost as if her mother knew she was checking her phone: _"I take it you are still at Steve's..I hope everything is okay. And honey? __You love him. He loves you. Don't overthink it." _She sighed heavily, because somehow it was so much more complicated than that.

Catherine let the phone disappear in her handbag again, before she got out of the bed and went to the bathroom first. Her eyes were still red and a bit swollen, which shouldn't come as much of a surprise after she had spent almost the entire evening with Steve talking about their baby. She didn't remember the last time she had cried that much, but she also didn't remember the last time she had felt this relieved and this loved. Despite hurting him yet again, Steve still treated her with the same love and respect as always. And she knew that talking to Steve had been the missing piece to finally being able to heal. Of course it still hurt. It still hurt so deeply and she knew that they were only at the beginning, but she also knew that they would successfully work their way through the pain, the guilt and the sadness. Together.

She splashed water in her face and re-applied some light make-up, before she slowly made her way downstairs. Something was smelling really really good and as she got closer to the kitchen she realized that he was making waffles - one of her absolute favorite dishes in the world. Quietly, with a huge grin on her face, she came to an halt in the doorframe. Leaning slightly against it, she watched him bustle around. He seemed totally caught up in the moment. She couldn't really tell why, but she had always loved to watch him this focused, this concentrated.

"Good morning." he said suddenly and almost startled her, because he was standing with his back to the door and couldn't have seen her. Little did she know that he had noticed her about a minute ago - the slight cracking of the wooden stairs had sold her out.

"Morning." she whispered finally, a small smile on her face, as he turned around a little bit. He looked incredibly handsome with the slightly rumpled hair, the white tee that was underlining his well-built torso and back, and the khaki-colored cargo pants. There was a little bit of flour on his nose - probably from making the waffles - and it made him look really cute.

"What?" he asked, when he saw her smile grow into a huge grin.

"You got something, uh, on your nose." she replied and took a few steps in his direction. With her thumb she tried to softly brush off the flour of his nose, as her other fingers unconsciously rested on his cheek, "That's it. There you go." she uttered and flashed him a smile.

He couldn't help but notice how close she was standing and how the warmth silently crept up his cheeks. He cleared his throat, "Uh, you hungry?" he asked somewhat huskily.

His voice brought her back to reality, "You are very much aware that I would eat waffles whether I am hungry or not, right?" she said with a chuckle and he just nodded satisfied - of course he knew that. "But I am actually starving."

"That's good." he replied, obviously happy with her answer, "Just take a seat outside on the porch, the food will be ready soon."

She wanted to protest, because she wanted to help him, but he held up his hand to stop her before she could have even opened her mouth. With a demonstrative eye roll, she made her way out onto the lanai. From the patio one could hear the waves crash and hear the birds zierp and she suddenly felt at peace. Whether she had wanted to admit it or not, she had missed this place and more specifically him, a lot.

She sat down on one of the chairs placed around the wooden table. The table was already laid and she couldn't really ignore the butterflies in her stomach, when she noticed how much love he had invested in preparing this. He was using the good china, the one he only used for really special occasions and he was making her favorite food. She didn't really understand how she deserved all of this - at least not after everything she had put him through.

He stepped out onto the porch and placed a plate filled with waffles in the middle of the table, before sitting down across from her. "What?" he asked, because she was giving him this certain look she always had when she was waiting for an explanation, "I just thought a breakfast would be nice after last night." he added and watched her chuckle, because his statement had been pretty equivocal. "No, but seriously, Cath." He took her hand into his, softly caressing it with his thumb, "This..isn't easy..and I know that you are hurting too. We both are. And if making waffles will put a smile on your face, well then I am doing that. We deserve this, don't you think?"

She turned away, because she didn't want him to see that her eyes were brimming with tears. She swallowed the lump in her throat and turned her head back around to be able to look at him again, "Yeah, you are absolutely right." she whispered. With a small smile on her lips, she finally followed his example and took a bite from one of the waffles. It tasted extraordinarily good, even better than the ones they had in that diner about a week ago. She couldn't believe that it had already been a week. Her whole life had changed during this week, but she was more than just glad to be here now.

They ate in silence, sometimes their eyes would meet and they would exchange a smile. And in that moment, everything felt so good. Despite the pain, Steve was feeling better than he had in weeks, maybe even months. And he knew that she was feeling the same; he could see it in her eyes. After all getting it all out had always been one of the most important steps when trying to heal.

"So did you sleep okay?" he piped up, after they had finished up and were now leaning back in their chairs. They were both absolutely full and relaxed, too.

"Yeah, I did..thank you." she replied and flashed him a small smile. If she was completely honest, it had been the best night's sleep she had in a really really long time, "I hope I didn't cause any trouble..uh, you know that you could have woken me up, right?"

"I know, but I figured that you probably hadn't had a good night's sleep in a long time..and I didn't want to wake you. And besides, I am glad you are still here..you know that gives us some time to finally catch up on other..stuff." he replied. Since they had spent countless hours talking about their baby, there had been very less time for other topics. She nodded and he decided to finally ask her what he had been wanting to know for days now, "So..um, Jason is it, right?" Steve asked and tried to make it sound casual.

Catherie bid her bottom lip to keep herself from smiling, because she had known that it had only be a matter of time until he would ask who Jason was, "Yeah." she replied, "What about him?"

"I just..um, I.." he stammered, because he was confused by the almost playful tone of her voice.

"Go ahead, keep stumbling." she said, a huge grin was plastered on her face, "Huh sailor, what's going on? You are not losing your game, are you?" She was feigning shock, but she had the hardest time keeping her act together.

He couldn't really tell what was going on with him. He just knew that he didn't like this Jason guy..nor picturing him with Catherine. He rolled his eyes, "I am not. Losing my game. I was just..looking for the right words." he defended himself, only causing her smile to grow.

"Yeah, keep telling yourself that." she retorted.

Though he felt at least slightly annoyed that she had caught him being all flustered, he was glad that they were finally back to their witty banter. A huge grin broke on his face, as he suddenly remembered something, "You know, Lieutenant, as long as we are talking about me losing my game..do I have to remind you of that one time in Annapolis, where-"

"Yeah yeah. Okay, fine." she gave in and cringed a little, when she remembered that day. It was one of the very few things she still felt embarrassed about, even though it had been more than 15 years ago. She had hoped he would one day forget about that, but if she was honest with herself, that hope had been unrealistic from the start.

"Who is he?" he asked finally and locked his eyes with hers. She was surprised by the sudden seriousness in his voice, but not by his question and she could tell he was searching for the truth behind her brown eyes.

"He is an agent..a colleague." she replied, but she knew that this wasn't the answer he had been looking for so she continued, "He is..I mean was..my boyfriend." His heart leaped.

"Was?"

"Yes, was." she replied and confirmed it with a slight nod. She took a deep breath, before continuing, "We started seeing each other about a half a year ago, but we kept it pretty casual. It wasn't planned at all that he would be here, but he surprised me. And that's when I realized that he was looking for more than I could give him. Well, actually, I think I realized that a long time ago, but I didn't really wanted to admit it to myself or him. Anyway..yesterday morning..we just came to the conclusion that things wouldn't work out." she explained and watched his reaction very closely. After she had had difficulties explaining who exactly Steve was to her, they had tried to talk everything through and decided that it would be for the best if they broke up - it had been more or less amicable. And even though she felt sorry for hurting Jason, she also felt relieved. The broken version of her might have fit with Jason - at least in some way - but as she was slowly healing, as she was slowly becoming her old self again, she realized that they absolutely didn't fit.

For a few seconds, silence filled the space between them, while he was trying to comprehend all the information he had just gotten. Catherine had been together with this Jason guy. For a half a year. But it had never been serious. And she had broken up with him. "I am sorry." he said finally. Little did Steve know that he was at least partly responsible for that break up.

"Oh, you don't mean that, sailor."

"No, I..I do. I just want you to be happy, Cath." he replied and even though it was fairly obvious that he was fighting his smile, she knew that he meant it. After all, he just wanted what was best for her, just like she wanted the same for him.

"Who said I was happy..with him?" she asked quietly.

"I don't know...weren't you?" he asked and watched her reaction very closely.

After everything she had been through in the past few years, she wasn't even sure anymore if she had ever been truly happy since she had left Hawai'i behind her. "I don't know..maybe..for some time. But it could have never worked out." she whispered.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." he admitted slowly and turned to look at the ocean, wrinkling his forehead.

"So, there is no one special in your life right now, huh sailor?" she asked. She had been wanting to know that ever since she came back to Hawai'i, but there had never been the right moment to just casually slip it into the conversation.

"No." he mumbled and shook his head. He wasn't dating. The truth was that he wasn't even trying. It felt so pointless, because after Catherine, he had not been with a single woman he could have pictured spending his whole life with and he honestly doubted that he ever would find someone like that again. He cleared his throat. "Um, I will be right back." he muttered, gathered the china and carried it back inside.

When he stepped out onto the lanai again, Catherine was no longer seated at the table, but was standing with her toes in the sand on the small beach in his backyard. The wind was blowing her dark hair and he couldn't help but admire how beautiful she truly was and how perfect she fit in right there. She just fit perfectly into this place, into his home and into his heart. She always had.

"You okay?" he asked, when he arrived next to her. The past 12 hours had taken their toll on both of them.

"Mh-hm."

"So, what's next for you?" he asked, even though the answer terrified him. Spending all this time with her had once again reminded him of how much he missed having her in his life. He knew that they would probably stay in touch more often from now on, but there would still come a day - probably in near future - where she would return to chasing bad guys all over the world. And as much as he enjoyed having her here, he knew it was going to hurt like hell when that day would come.

"I am done, Steve." she mumbled and turned to look at him.

"What do you mean?" he asked and he sounded almost anxious. Was she done with him? Or worse, was she done..with life? The thought terrified him to no end and he could feel a cold shiver run down his spine.

"I am done with the CIA. It was time for me to renew my contract, but I didn't do it. I am out. For good." she replied and a smile erupted on her face. Finally telling him this felt so incredibly good. She had wanted to tell him from the second she had walked through his door last night, but it hadn't been the right time. She had come to talk about their baby and the miscarriage and not about calling it quits with the CIA.

"You are out?"

"I am. That's why I wasn't there..when you came to see me the day before yesterday." she explained and watched the realization of what this meant slowly reach him. A wave of relief washed over his body and he couldn't help the soft sigh that escaped his mouth. He couldn't tell how many nightmares of her dying had plagued his sleep in the past months or years even. Despite knowing how well she could take care of herself, after all he had seen it numerous times with his own pair of eyes, he was still worried. Because for the life of him, he couldn't lose her. It had wrecked him when she had left, but losing her for good was a whole other dimension. But she was here now and she would not return to the grind. She was safe.

He took a few steps in her direction and pulled her into a tight hug. She squeaked a little in surprise, but wrapped her arms around his waist just a few seconds later. A smile erupted on her face, mirroring his expression. She closed her eyes and breathed in his scent and once again she knew that she had made the right decision. The CIA would never be able to replace the one thing she truly wanted.

"How are you feeling?" he asked and loosened his grip on her, but they continued standing pretty close together.

"I..it's weird, that's for sure. I mean the past weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster..even without me quitting my job.." she replied and chuckled softly, "And I think that a part of me is going to miss it, but overall I am glad to be Catherine Rollins again, you know? Not some undercover agent following orders or whatever..just me."

He smiled and nodded slightly, because he knew what she was talking about, "So..do you have any plans? Like, uh, what's gonna happen in the next chapter of Catherine Rollins?" he asked.

"I don't know..I.." she uttered and their eyes locked. They had always been so much better in communicating through their actions or with their eyes. They had never been good with words. But this was one of the very few times that for the sake of him, he couldn't read her. And he hated it. He couldn't tell how she was feeling. He couldn't tell if she was feeling the same longing inside of her heart that made him feel like there was a fire burning inside of him.

"I guess that depends.." she added huskily.

"Depends on what?" he asked and his gaze fell on her lips and when he looked back up, he could see that she was looking at his lips too. The next thing he felt were her lips on his and before he could realize what was going on, he was kissing her back with the same passion that had driven her right back into his arms. Her hands were cupping his face in an effort to feel even more of him, while his hands had automatically wandered to her waist to pull her closer. He lifted up her feet slightly from the ground, as they let their tongues dance with one another. He smiled into the kiss, because now he knew that she was feeling the exact same longing inside of her.

"Wow." she breathed, when they finally parted due to the lack of air. Steve smirked. He couldn't help the sense of pride that filled him, because he still had such a huge effect on her. Though he had to admit that he was feeling pretty weak at the knees too.

"Depends on what?" he whispered.

"It depends on whether you..still want this, whether you still want me." she added slowly and searched for his eyes again, as her heart was pounding unusually fast against her ribcage.

Once again, he decided to show her, instead of using words. He leaned in again and softly brushed her lips with his, placing a soft peck on her lips. "Uh, just in case this wasn't clear enough, I do, Cath. I want us." Steve mumbled, looking her in the eyes the whole time, "As long as that is what you want, too."

"There is nothing I want more." she replied softly and watched a small smile appear on his face.

"So..you are staying..here?" he asked almost shyly, because he just needed to be sure. He felt like he was dreaming or in some kind of alternative universe, because everything suddenly seemed to fall into place - in a way it rarely ever did.

"I am." she whispered and nodded slightly. Her years with the CIA and especially this last year, the months after losing their baby, had shown her what she had always wanted. Sure, she had enjoyed chasing bad guys all over the world. She loved doing something good, she actually felt great pride in doing it. But it would never be able to make her happy in the way Steve had made her happy.

"That's good." he smirked, his arms were still encircling her waist.

"I think so, too." she admitted and their eyes locked for a few seconds, before their lips crashed together again. That was when his phone started ringing. Both of them just ignored the annoying ringing that was definitely ruining their little moment just a little bit. "Just answer it." she mumbled into the kiss. The sound suddenly stopped, before the phone started ringing again just mere seconds later. Steve groaned and broke the kiss, when he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

"McGarrett?" he answered annoyed, but the irritation soon faded, when he could feel Catherine's hands playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. He had a hard time understanding what Danny was saying on the other end of the line with Catherine so close to him. "Yeah, hold on a sec." he said and turned off the micro.

"You know, I could just call in sick." he whispered and teasingly brushed his nose against hers again.

"Oh, and you think anyone is going to believe that? You calling in sick, voluntarily? Your team will be here to check on you in no time." she replied and he chuckled slightly, because she did have a point there, "Hey, go, it's fine. I will still be here." she added softly.

However, she could see that he still wasn't convinced, because above anything else he just wanted to spend time with her. "Okay, um, what do you think about dinner? At your favorite sushi place?" he proposed then.

"That sounds really nice." she smiled and nodded encouragingly. He raised his phone to his ear again, as his forehead was resting against hers, "Yeah, I will be out front in a minute." he spoke into his phone, before he hung up, "You are sure that this is okay?"

"I am." she replied and she meant it, "I have a few things to take care of anyway."

He nodded, "Okay, I will pick you up at 2000 hours. Sounds good?"

"Perfect." she whispered against his lips, before he kissed her again. They were finally on the same page and ready to start into a new chapter of their lives together.

* * *

_AN: I know this could be a good ending too, but there is still one chapter left :)_


	9. Chapter 9

_AN: Okay guys, this is it. The last chapter. Once again, I am not quite satisfied with it, but I didn't want to keep y'all waiting any longer and I think it is about time that this story comes to an end. What a ride it has been, huh? ENJOY!_

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**Rollins' residence, 2000 hours**

It was precisely 2000 hours, when Steve got out of his car in front of the Rollins' residence. Of course he just had to be there on time. It was a habit he had picked up whilst being in the Navy and now he didn't really want to lose anymore anyway. He made his way through the entrance gate and towards the house. The last time he had been here, he had been nervous, anxious and confused. And now, he could barely stop himself from grinning. Even Danny had known immediately that something must have happened with Catherine, just because of the way Steve had smiled. He was over the moon that she was back (and for good this time), even though he still hadn't fully realized it yet. When he knocked on the door, he was feeling a bit nervous, but in a good way. And for the first time in a long time, he was actually feeling excited about what the future might hold in store for him. For them.

"Steve!" James said enthusiastically, when he opened the door, "Cathy, honey, your date is here." he shouted upstairs, before he turned towards Steve again. Catherine hadn't exactly told them about her and Steve reconciling, but after all James was her father and he knew her better than most people on this planet. The way she had smiled, the way her every move had been filled with love and kindness, the way she had joked. All of this had given her away, because it was so much like the Catherine he used to know.

"James, I..I didn't know you were back home. How are you doing?" Steve said with a small smile.

"I am as good as new." the older man replied and grinned happily. Though he didn't like that he had to stay in the hospital for a few weeks, he was now glad that everything had happened the way it had, because it had given Steve and Catherine the time to finally talk and work things out. If he had known that all it needed for them to get back together was a stupid car accident, he would have gladly made that happen even earlier.

"That's good to hear." Steve replied and nodded slighty. He nervously shifted his weight from one feet to the other and when he looked up again, he saw the same look on James' face Catherine always had when she was waiting for an explanation of some sort, "I..Thank you, for, uh, helping me clear my head. You know back in the hospital after I.." he trailed off, when he saw James nod.

"Anytime, son." James responded and he meant it, "You know I am just glad you two finally found your way back to each other." James had always liked Steve, especially because he saw how happy he made his daughter. And that was the only thing he expected from the men at Catherine's side.

"I am, too." Steve mumbled with a nod and James watched how something in Steve's face changed. The man's features softened and without turning around James knew that Catherine was approaching from behind.

"I will leave you two to it. Have a great evening." he excused himself and gave his daughter a soft peck on the cheek, before disappearing into the living room with his crutches.

Catherine came to an halt in the same spot her father had stood just mere seconds ago, a small smile on her face. She was wearing a casual summer dress in a soft cream color and her hair was tight into a loose pony tail. Though it wasn't particularly fancy, he had rarely ever seen her wearing a dress before and he couldn't stop staring, "Wow." Steve pressed out, as he looked Catherine up and down.

"Like what you see, sailor?" she replied teasingly and his eyes told her that he did, very much so actually. She had spent quite some time searching for the right outfit. She had wanted to sweep him off his feet, but she also didn't want to stand out wearing some fancy ass dress, so she had settled for some light, figure-hugging summer dress. And it proved to have been the right decision.

"I do." he answered honestly and pulled her closer with his arm around her waist, "You look beautiful, Cath." he whispered, before she leaned in to kiss him.

"Oh, would you look at that. You two are absolutely cute." Catherine's mom piped up, as she watched them with a smile from a few feet apart. Catherine and Steve almost jumped backwards in surprise, but that only made her smile grow. She had always had a lot of fun embarrassing her children in front of their significant other and vice versa.

"Mom!" Catherine exclaimed at the intervention and tried her best to sound annoyed.

"I am sorry, sweetie, I didn't mean to interrupt this," Ann said and pointed with her finger in their direction, "but I am just happy you two are finally back to doing just that." Steve could have sworn that his cheeks were dark red by now, because this absolutely wasn't something he wanted to discuss with Catherine's mom of all people, "Steve, you know that you are always welcome here. And I would really like it if we could all go out together sometime. I mean-"

"Mom, I love you, but we are taking it step by step, okay?" Catherine interrupted her mom. The only thing she wanted right now was spent some alone time with Steve and the last thing she wanted was Steve (and her) getting bombarded with questions by her mom, her dad and her brothers'. "And we have a reservation to get to." she added and took Steve's hand into her own.

"Ah, aloha." Steve mumbled and chuckled slightly, because this was so much like them. Even though he felt slightly embarrassed, he really appreciated that Ann was trying to include him into the family again. He really really loved the entire Rollins' clan. He snapped out of his thoughts, when Catherine softly nudged him into the direction of the car.

"Have fun guys!" Ann called after them, as they were making their way back to the car, their hands still intertwined. Catherine rolled her eyes, but when she turned her head to be able to look at him, a wide smile erupted on both their faces.

* * *

**McGarrett residence, 2045 hours**

"We somehow never quite make it to dinner, huh?" Catherine chuckled, as her hand was absentmindedly caressing his bare torso. They were lying in his bed, both of them were utterly naked and somewhat sweaty from the intense love making. Her head was resting on his chest listening to his still a little heightened heart beat.

"I never heard you complain." he replied, a broad grin plastered on his face, "And besides I like it much more if I have you all to myself."

"Oh, and why is that?" she replied in the same teasingly manner, as she lifted her head from his chest to be able to look at him. They had always been able to slip into this goofy banter and it was one of the things she had always enjoyed the most about their connection.

He leaned in slightly and brushed his nose against hers, "Because," he whispered and placed a soft peck on her lips, "I really, really," he continued and he could feel a big smile erupt on her face, "really missed you." For a few seconds their eyes met, before their lips crashed together again. She had missed him, too and she was determined to show him just how much by pouring all her feelings into that kiss.

"Well, I think you were trying to say that you missed me too?" he asked, when they broke the kiss. She just rolled her eyes, a big smile on her face. "And you know, we have to make up for all the time we lost." he added with a smirk.

"I guess we do." she replied, as she was tracing the features of his face with her fingertips. She felt a twinge of guilt arise inside of her and he used the moment of her being caught up in her own thoughts to turn her on her back and climb on top of her. When their eyes locked, the guilt disappeared as soon as it had come and Catherine chuckled slightly. Once again she was surprised, but definitely not complaining, "What are your plans, sailor?"

He bowed his head a little, until she could feel his hot breath against her skin and he started to leave little kisses all over her cleavage, "Hmm, what do you think about this? Or this?" he slowly kissed his way up again, causing her to moan slightly. She could feel him grin against her neck, before he continued placing soft kisses all over her cleavage until his mouth was on hers again. Yeah, he wouldn't waste a single minute to make up for all the time they had spent apart.

"So much for taking it step by step, huh?" Catherine chuckled in between the kisses.

"Well, we have never done this whole relationship stuff ordinarily."

"You got that right." she said and cupped his face with her hands, forcing him to look her in the eyes, "I have never liked ordinary anyway." And she meant it.

He smiled softly, "Me neither." he whispered and he couldn't believe how he got so lucky. It still felt so unreal to him that she was now here in his arms and that she had come to stay, "And I am really glad you are back."

"I am glad to be back." she admitted honestly. He smiled softly and placed another peck on her lips, before laying down beside her again. Right now all he wanted was to feel her close, he just wanted to hold her in his arms. He buried his face in the nape of her neck and breathed in her scent that was mixed with the salty smell of sweat. His hand found its way to her waist and his thumb started drawing little crescents on her soft skin. In that moment he was remembered of the baby they had almost had and he felt a slight sting in his heart. Over the past few days he had found himself wondering what their life would be like now, if she hadn't had a miscarriage. Would they be married? Would it have been a boy or a girl? Sadly enough, he would never find answers to those questions.

"I know." she whispered and intertwined her hand with his, "It hurts."

He could feel the tears brimming in his eyes, because she was right: it hurt. It hurt pretty damn much. And he knew it would continue to hurt like this for quite some time. And he also knew that no matter what the future would bring, they would never ever forget about their first baby. He pressed a soft kiss on her hair and pulled her even closer, before closing his eyes. He could hear the waves crashing in the distant and the birds zierping through the open window. It almost felt like they were singing a welcome home melody. Yeah, Catherine was home. He finally got his girl back. And no matter what the future had in store for them, they would get through it together. Together, they could walk through any storm.

**THE END **

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_AN:_ _I am kind off sad that this is the end, because I really had a lot of fun writing this story. And I think I really improved my writing, so that's great. __If you wanna read more McRoll stories, check out my profile haha. I am currently searching for a new show to write fanfictions about..we will see what series I will end up with.  
_

_But enough about me, I just wanted to thank y'all for reading and especially for taking the time to review. Your positive feedback kept me going, when I lost the motivation to continue. Because I honestly wasn't sure if I would get this far. And please know that I read all of your sweet comments and all of them made me smile, even if I didn't always reply. __Anyway, a **big thank you** to everyone who got this far, I appreciate that more than I could ever put into words. And I wish y'all the best for the future. **Stay strong, keep your head up and don't give up.** It will get better. And in a situation like the one we are in right now, please remember to look after yourself and your (mental!) health. Stay safe and healthy! _

**_Love always :)  
_**


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